PARKING AND TRAFFIC - Vol. 1, Issue 11, July 31, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer: One thing that consistently upsets me is seeing cars with handicapped stickers parked at broken meters. The disabled already get to park free and are denying us able-bodied skinflints a treasured opportunity that brings us much joy. Is a tire iron to the windshield too subtle a response?

Dear Parker: By all means, but Etiquetteer thinks you’d rather not replace your own windshield. The disabled aren’t able to do a lot that you can; don’t let your Yankee parsimony overcome your human compassion.

Dear Etiquetteer: I recently parked my new BMW in a supermarket lot. As I left the store, a woman was loading her clinker sedan into the passenger seat and let the buggy hit my car. I thought I was more than polite in not shouting, "Please don't hit my new car!" Her answer was that her car was old with lots of dings but it drove good so I should deal with dents. I was stunned and stood like a fool knowing if I said a word it would not be ladylike. What should I have done then and what should I do if I ever see her again? My private prayer is that next time she drives to a funeral, luncheon, etc., a covey of pigeons will paint that old car white as snow!

Dear Miss Daisy: This is the sort of behavior that leaves Etiquetteer, like you, stunned and speechless . . . but not like a fool. Be careful not to let it turn you into Evelyn Couch in Fannie Flagg’s “Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe,” who totaled an arrogant teenager’s Volkswagen when she stole Evelyn’s parking space. Etiquetteer admits that virtue being its own reward isn’t as satisfying as the Deity of Your Choice intends it to be, but it is definitely the Proper Path to Take. Escalating the incident by ramming the cart into that rude person’s car, or even using the cart to block it into the parking space, might only lead to a loud altercation, pushing, shoving, and then to to the worst indignity of all: an appearance on one of those courtroom TV shows or, heaven save you, “The Jerry Springer Show.” Etiquetteer recommends that you provide a more tangible reward for your own virtue, like chocolate. It’s just as satisfying as virtue, and a lot tastier!

Dear Etiquetteer: It really bothers me when the firemen go out to major intersections and walk around in the street holding up a boot and asking for donations. Especially after 9/11 people are stopping on green lights swerving to the center lane and creating serious traffic jams and potential wrecks to get a buck in the bucket. These guys are working to create a safe environment and yet when they need to raise money they throw caution to the wind.

Dear Concerned Driver: Etiquetteer has observed that firemen are not alone in taking to the streets to raise money. Etiquetteer himself has had median-side solicitations from panhandlers, newsboys, itinerant flower-sellers, and once even a Hare Krishna dressed as Santa Claus. The safe thing for these people to do is to wait until traffic is stopped at a red light and solicit from car to car. There may be city regulations for this type of solicitation; inquire at City Hall.

Dear Etiquetteer: What is the appropriate way to respond to a driver who realizes he needs to get into the lane that you are driving in, and instead of using his directional light to indicate he is switching lanes, or waits for a break in the traffic, he moves into your lanes and expects you to see him and stop? I can't tell you now many times each morning this happens to me on my way into work and my favored response would be to bash his brains out with a baseball bat, but I assume there is a more civilized response.

Dear Driver: There is. The Deity of Your Choice made the horn in your car for a reason. Just blow it, honey, blow it.