Potluck Assignments, Vol. 11, Issue 14

Dear Etiquetteer: I'm part of a community that regularly holds potlucks for holidays and events. Different people coordinate each potluck with loosely organized online spreadsheets for people to list what they'll bring. We often suggest a theme, and our community has a few dietary restrictions, but otherwise we let people bring what they like -- as long as they bring enough for others, of course!

This arrangement has worked well so far. The person coordinating the latest potluck, however, has already decided on a Mexican-themed menu featuring make-your-own tacos. To that end, the person has told people to sign up for specific dishes as well as for specific ingredients -- for example, "fresh diced tomatoes" and "chopped cilantro" for around forty people. The person has also designed the online spreadsheet in a way that discourages people from listing other items.

It seems like poor form to dictate the terms of a so-called "potluck" so carefully, especially given the precedent we've established in our community. It also makes the potluck less fun: we have many members who would have gladly prepared more interesting Mexican dishes. What is your take, Etiquetteer?

Dear Potlucked Out:

Certainly it appears to be sufficiently different from your group's usual practice, which is cause enough for concern. The need for control at a meal one is coordinating but not entirely cooking oneself can be tricky, particularly for meals as large as the number you indicate; probably the worst example can be seen here. Perhaps this is La Reina de México's first time to coordinate for your community potluck? A potluck coordinator does need to be allowed some authority, even when acting as part of a group instead of as an independent host. Still, this sounds unnecessarily limiting, but Etiquetteer doesn't attribute it to bossiness on the part of La Reina de México. This person probably likes tacos, or just thought it would be a good group activity without considering the extensive range of True Mexican Cuisine.

As is so often in the case of manners, Communication is the solution. Those who felt limited by the options available should have communicated privately with La Reina de México to offer other dishes, or at least share concerns from the group about the departure from Standard Operating Procedure. One could ruffle a few feathers by using the spreadsheet differently from its original intent -- Heaven knows Etiquetteer has met enough people who have perverted online surveys and spreadsheets for their own purposes! -- by merely adding unrelated text in a field with one's own comment, such as "I'm going to bring chili con carne for 40 - hope you don't mind!" But Etiquetteer cannot recommend this approach because it will embarrass La Reina de México publicly and unnecessarily. The next time La Reina de México ends up volunteering to coordinate, be sure this person knows that freedom of choice is a central value of your potluck community.

Etiquetteer does have a few rules about potlucks:

1. The host/coordinator should be responsible for the meat dish, since that's often the most expensive. That said, for very large groups like this one, other guests may be assigned meat dishes.
2. If the host/coordinator gives you an assignment that you are unable to fulfill or just plain don't like, communicate with that person privately; this is not a time for "Reply All." Thinking host/coordinators will offer another assignment. Otherwise you might need to plan to visit your friend Bunbury in the country.
3. Arrive on time! Nothing affects the service of a meal more than a portion of that meal not actually being in the house. Be sure to confirm with your host/coordinator at what time the buffet is to be open (as opposed to what time everyone is to arrive) so that you can plan accordingly.
4. The portion of the meal you bring should be ready to serve when you arrive in the house. Do not expect to prepare and cook it when you get there. The only preparation that should be required is to uncover it, and heat it if necessary. This is especially true for salads and other dishes that require lots of chopping, mincing, or shredding. No kitchen has infinite counter space, you have no idea how many people may be fighting to use the one cutting board in the house, and the host/coordinator will still be preparing the meat dish. This is probably why Etiquetteer continues to find casseroles the best potluck food.
5. It is kind, but not required, to offer to help with the dishes. That said, expect to take home dirty the serving items you brought.
6. Don't quarrel over the leftovers. It's so petty.

Entertaining at Home, Vol. 8, Issue 4

Dear Etiquetteer: My partner and I love to cook and entertain. We also love to be cooked for and entertained, yet it seems we've attracted friends who like to enjoy our hospitality more than extend theirs. I haven't exactly kept count, but we know couples who've been our guests much more than we've been theirs. I enjoy their company, but I'm feeling resistant to inviting them over to our house yet again since I don't wish to continue a non-reciprocal pattern. I know their house is neat enough and their cooking is good enough, so I don't know what's holding them back from inviting us. Their alternative to eating at our house always seems to be eating out. But we prefer a home-cooked meal-- and we don't always want it to be ours! I know it's probably rude to say, "couldn't you invite us over to your house for a change?" but I don't know what to do.

Dear Harriet Craig:

Your letter reminds Etiquetteer of the redoubtable Marie Dressler as faded stage star Carlotta Vance in Dinner at Eight. Reminiscing about her long string of past lovers and their gifts, she complained "I could only take what they had."

Here, you can only take what hospitality your friends offer, even though it isn't quite what you'd prefer. It might not be Perfectly Proper to speculate on why they would rather dine out with you than in their own homes. The most neutral assumption is personal preference. It might also be that what you think of as a joy they find a chore; they could be preserving their own hostly equilibrium by staying out of the kitchen themselves. All that said, they aren't out of line inviting you out to dinner, as long as they're picking up the whole bill at least some of the time.

When the imbalance of hospitality becomes inseparable from the idea of welcoming these friends into your home again, then your invitations need to cease. Those feelings will only poison your heart against them; Etiquetteer has seen it happen before. You could also suggest activities that don't involve food, like going to the movies or other cultural attractions.  But like you, Etiquetteer values a home-based social life. When worse comes to worst, make new friends who share your values of home entertaining.

It cannot have failed to have come to your attention that the economy is, um, not as robust as it used to be. New, reduced circumstances are affecting hundreds of thousands of people who may be retreating from social life because they can't afford their old standard. Etiquetteer would argue that a social life is even more necessary now; we must band together in adversity! But heading off to Mocambo, Romanoff's, Chasen's, the Stork, 21, or the Cocoanut Grove four nights a week for dining and dancing won't do, nor will laying out filet mignon, Scotch, and all the delicacies for a dinner party at home.

Never has there been a better time for Etiquetteer to trot out that familiar quotation from the real estate industry, "If you can't hide it, paint it red and call it a feature." In this case, make Poverty your theme with a Poverty Pasta night. Assign ingredients one per guest: pasta, sauce, garlic bread, red wine, cheese, etc. (The presence of non-essential items like green salad and dessert automatically upgrades the evening to Gentility Pasta.) Nobody should have to spend more than $10, and everyone ends up with a delicious pasta dinner, convivial company, and no tipping. Etiquetteer recommends the traditional red-and-white checked tablecloth surmounted by candles in straw-covered Chianti bottles, décor once standard in Italian restaurants and now only seen in black-and-white movies. Opera fans can put on a recording of La Boheme to complete an atmosphere of genial poverty. 

All Etiquetteer can add to that is a hearty "Bon appétit!"

Etiquetteer has a beautiful new address for all your queries about manners, morals, and Perfect Propriety in the 21st century, queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com. Etiquetteer eagerly hopes to hear from you soon!

Electronic Thanksgiving Invitations, Vol. 7, Issue 21

Dear Etiquetteer: My husband and I decided  to throw a potluck Thanksgiving Day Open House to best accommodate our expanded family, including mothers-in-law, babies, cousins, and their busy schedules. We thought it would be much more fun and convenient for people to come and stay as long as they want rather than having one fixed formal mealtime -- and we all know how long those last during holidays! 

We posted an invitation on [Insert Name of Electronic Invitation Service Here] that included the line "Family and friends welcome." To my surprise, a distant cousin responded that he and his wife would not be able to attend because they were going to Thanksgiving at her family's house. I don't know either of them terribly well, but invited them as a courtesy and because we hope to get to know them better. However, even though he responded that they could not attend, he added six other people to our guest list (this was before I thought to disable that function!), none of whom I know -- I think one or two may be his children. 

I would have had no problem if he and his wife had attended and brought their adult children and spouses with them. But to send them along to a party (only 20 or so people were invited in total) that they would not attend seemed inappropriate. And it seemed a large number of guests to invite without checking with us first. 

I wound up deleting them from the guest list and "hiding" the replies. I am not in regular contact with the cousin, so I don't expect any complications. But what would be the appropriate response in the future? And am I correct in assuming that he crossed a courtesy line? 

Dear Perplexed Potluck: To answer your last question first, Etiquetteer gets the impression the courtesy line was so blurry here that it was difficult for your cousin to know just what he was crossing.  With statements like "Open House" and "Family and friends welcome," you led him to believe that all were welcome.  

Plus your use of [Insert Name of Electronic Invitation Service Here] makes it FAR too easy to add as many additional guests as one wishes without contacting the host or hostess. This is one of several reasons Etiquetteer dislikes such services. [Secretly, Etiquetteer's Evil Fraternal Twin, Madame Manners (the Etiquette Dominatrix) wants to invite hundreds of strangers to someone's wedding on [Insert Name of Electronic Invitation Service Here.] It would serve them right.] When Etiquetteer issues invitations electronically, they are sent e-mail to e-mail without an electronic intermediary. For those who insist on using an Electronic Invitation Service, Etiquetteer highly recommends suppressing the guest list (to respect the privacy of guests) and disabling any function that permits the guests too much control over YOUR party (such as the ability to invite their own guests). 

Etiquetteer does agree with you that, if a party guest is going to invite more guests to a party, he should accompany them to the party. But without realizing it, you created two opportunities for your cousin to invite his entire family to your home: first, by not disabling the "Invite additional guests" feature on your electronic invitation; and second, by saying "Family and friends welcome." It's also an open house, which you said you were giving because "it would be much more fun and convenient for people to come and stay as long as they want . . . " Even if your cousin and his wife WERE coming to the party, perhaps it might have been "more fun and convenient" for his six guests to come or go at times different from theirs. You'll infer from all this that Etiquetteer really prefers a set mealtime for holiday gatherings, whether formal or informal.

Etiquetteer remembers with great pleasure the many Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Easter Sunday meals of childhood. At the homes of different family members in the 1960s and 1970s, Etiquetteer could expect long lines of card tables in every room set with snowy linen just like the dining room, the good china and silver, and a buffet in the kitchen groaning with turkey and all the trimmings. Having everyone together to break bread at the same time remains special. And of course early arrivals with fully laden plates would always use the Bible verse "When two or three are gathered in My name" to begin eating before everyone was seated. Ah, those halcyon days . . . 

Etiquetteer also calls to your attention a little but significant contradiction. You begin by saying you "invited them as a courtesy and because we hope to get to know them better," but later that you are "not in regular contact with the cousin, so I don't expect this will cause any complications." You can't get to know them better without starting some sort of regular contact.  Etiquetteer encourages you to consider another open house, for New Year's Day, and to make a special point of inviting this cousin and all his family to join you. You might end up starting the New Year by making new friends within your own family. 

Holiday Potlucks, Vol. 4, Issue 50

Dear Etiquetteer:

The holidays are upon us and I hope you can assist with the whole question of bringing food to various house parties and gatherings. Just what is the etiquette around glorified potluck parties? I'd appreciate your insights on both sides of the equation.

For example, I host an annual Christmas gathering at my house. It's one of those parties where folks come and go for hours, mingling and catching up with folks they perhaps only see at my event once a year, people hopping in from shopping and such. It's not one of those times when cocktails and finger sandwiches would do. Folks have a real appetite either when they arrive or after they've been lounging in my house all afternoon. I make some big dishes for folks to share, but feeding the hordes is just too much. I invite guests to bring some beverage or food to share in a low-key way. Some people do bring something and others don't which is perfectly fine and all seem well fed and pleased. But I do sometimes wonder if this makes me a lame hostess who's not really able to provide for her guests. Any thoughts? 

On the other side, as guest, I've been invited to share a holiday meal with my new beau's family. I offered to bring a dish and, told this was an intimate family affair, suggested a spicy squash soup or my famous pear and pecan salad. My beloved passed the offer to his mother who queried the whole family for their preference. They've never had soup at their family dinner before and, not able to imagine such a thing, selected the salad. Unfortunately, in the meantime, I've learned that there will be a sizable crowd at this event. Making the salad is near impossible under these circumstances since it will require last-minute kitchen prep and lots of room to prepare the now dozens of little salad plates. Doing this would impose on those doing the real cooking of the entrees and is sure to make me look bad with my potential future in-laws. The soup would be far easier for me to prepare and will be far easier on their end when it comes time to serve, but I fear soup is no longer an option. Should I bring the soup and provide them, despite their misgivings, with a new culinary experience or should I write to Martha Stewart for some kind of substitute, easy-to-travel, inferior salad?

Dear Potted:

Forgive the slight exasperation in Etiquetteer’s tone, but what on earth are you thinking bringing individual salads to a potluck? The First Rule of Potluck Cuisine is that when you bring a dish, it should be completely ready to serve. NO additional preparation time in the kitchen should be required beyond reheating a dish in the oven or adding croutons. To bring the soup after the family has already said they don’t want it would show a disregard for their feelings Etiquetteer knows you don’t feel, so please turn to your favorite cookbook for a Perfectly Proper salad recipe that can be prepared in bulk.

This certainly shows how "an intimate family dinner" is defined by the size of the family . . . also why casseroles are so popular at potlucks. (Don’t you miss those white Corning Ware casserole dishes that everyone had 30 years ago? You know, the ones with the blue flowers on the side.) Don’t forget to label yours with your name on masking tape so you can get it back afterward.

Now when you’re the hostess, you are not Lame or Bad by asking guests to bring refreshments as long as you say "Potluck refreshments" or "Please bring a dish to share" or something similar on the invitation. Truth in advertising is what’s key here. All Etiquetteer asks is that you keep the hot foods very hot and check frequently that you have enough plates and utensils. Nothing is worse than having to cut and eat tepid lasagna with a plastic spoon . . .

Potluck Mystery Guest, Vol. 4, Issue 22

Dear Etiquetteer:

I'm still blushing from this experience and wonder if I or others involved could have avoided embarrassment by improving our manners.

I attended a potluck dinner for an organization I recently joined. This was one of those casual affairs where it is assumed that introductions are unnecessary, although I doubt that any group member could reliably name every other member of the group, let alone come up with a conversation-starting comment about mutual interests or experiences. Added to the social challenge was the presence of significant others, offspring, and even a pet or two.

I ended up seated next to a friendly woman who appeared to be the spouse of a member of the group (at least she was sitting next to him). Let's call her Ms. X. She looked vaguely familiar, but then so did everyone else. The general conversation began, and it became apparent that she was a prominent academic of whom someone in my line of work should have heard . . . but which one? I had a few ideas as to who this Professor X might be, but didn't want to hazard a guess unless she turned out to be Professor Y or Z instead. Meanwhile, no one at the table came to my aid by mentioning her by name, her university and department, or the title of any of her books (which I would have instantly recognized).

Meanwhile she must have thought I was a complete idiot, politely asking her ignorant questions about her work when she is a prominent professor at the institution where we both work. The time had long passed to say "I didn't catch your name," and there was no way to check discreetly with someone else in the room as we were all seated at the table by then. I finally fled to the dessert table in disarray and sat down at another place at the table.

What was the best way out of this dilemma? The lesson, of course, is for all of us to perform introductions or introduce ourselves even if we think the parties should or do know each other. But what to do when the crucial info is missing and you're well into a conversation? (I did confirm her identity and send a follow-up note (OK, an e-mail) the next day to explain my failure to identify her out of context and apologize for my failure to connect my dinner partner with the distinguished scholar she is.)

Dear Potlucked Out:

There’s a phrase in the real estate industry – or maybe Etiquetteer read it in James Spada’s excellent biography of Bette Davis, More Than A Woman, Etiquetteer just can’t remember which: "If you can’t hide it, paint it red." At that stage in the conversation there was clearly no hiding that you couldn’t identify Professor X. So rather than continue to hem and haw, just offer your hand with a hearty "You know, I ought to know who you are, but I just cannot place the name and the face together. I’m [insert Your Name Here]."

You were also a newcomer on this occasion, Etiquetteer notes. Frequently in situations where group members are too oblivious or uncaring to greet newcomers, the newcomers need to look out for themselves. One does that best by introducing oneself the very first time one speaks or sits next to someone else. And you already picked up on this as you stated this as the lesson learned in your letter. So three cheers! Etiquetteer is delighted that you know now the Perfect Propriety of a Forthright Self-Introduction. Now go and sin no more at the next potluck.