Hugging and Handshakes, Vol. 23, Issue 6

“I’m a hugger!” exuberantly announces the Hugger, arms stretched wide to suffocate a New Acquaintance in an embrace, as though that simple announcement excused not caring whether the recipient is a hugger or not. Nope, sorry — that is not Perfectly Proper. One doesn’t say “I’m a tonguer!” with the same insouciance, does one?

National Hugging Day, while created “to help everyone show more emotion in public*,” may also be used as a helpful reminder that Consent, as the children say nowadays, is Sexy. “Are you a hugger?” is a better way to start a hug with someone new — and then to accept their hand when they gracefully say “No, but I’m so pleased to meet you.”

It’s interesting to note how hugging is more widely acknowledged than hitherto. One hundred years ago Emily Post doesn’t even include it in her first edition of Etiquette**. Fast forward to this century and her descendants include four sensitive and incisive paragraphs, both recognizing the value of the hug among consenting participants and allowing non-huggers to have their wishes respected.***

Etiquetteer was sure the pandemic would put an end to the handshake altogether; a simple bow is so much more dignified and involves zero bodily contact. But it endures nevertheless, and how one shakes hands continues to make an impression. Offering a “dead” hand with no energy still puts people off. H. Peter Kriendler, proprietor of the 21 Club, recalled how Adlai Stevenson lost his vote for President in “21”: Every Day Was New Year’s Eve: “I was for Adlai — until I met him. When I shook his hand and found it as limp as a dead fish, I said to myself ‘How the hell can I vote for this guy when he doesn’t even give you a proper handshake?’ It was the first time I voted for a Republican.”****

Conversely, a Bone-Crushing Grip is just as rude. President James K. Polk, who never enjoyed robust health but couldn’t avoid shaking hands, developed a strategy to protect himself. Whenever he spotted a potential Bone-Crusher, he would initiate the handshake himself, grabbing the Bone-Crusher’s fingers near the fingertips. It worked.***** Ladies may avoid this altogether by holding a bouquet, First Lady Edith Roosevelt’s stratagem. Florence Harding was too much a woman of the people for that, but had to ice her hands afterward to reduce the swelling.

Emily Post describes a Perfectly Proper handshake best******, and includes the equally important element of eye contact: “A proper handshake is made briefly; but there should be a feeling of strength and warmth in the clasp, and as in bowing, one should at the same time look into the countenance of the person whose hand one takes.” Etiquetteer wishes you many happy and Perfectly Proper greetings.

*Is that a good idea? Etiquetteer supposes that hugging is a much better way to show in emotion in public than, say, attempting to overthrow the government, but still.

**To Etiquetteer’s amusement, she does complain about saying “Hello.” “On very informal occasions, it is the present fashion to greet an intimate friend with ‘Hello!’ This seemingly vulgar salutation is made acceptable by the tone in which it is said.”

*** Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Centennial Edition, by Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning, page 21.

**** Page 164.

*****Etiquetteer is frantic at not being able to locate the reference to this!

******Etiquette (1922), page 20.

Housekeeping for Perfectly Proper Entertaining, Vol. 23, Issue 5

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have always felt responsible hosting is built on a foundation of good early preparation. How early should items like napkins, silverware, etc. be made ready for a gathering? Is getting everything on hand ready in bulk for a season without specific scheduled use best or should items be curated from storage and made ready per event? I recall some eyebrow-raising dinners in the past where the host set the table beautifully but so far in advance the items were dusty.

How should a guest handle dining table dust or, worse, discovering an item of table or drink ware is in poor repair or broken and unusable?

Thank you for your advice.

Dear Entertaining:

Your use of the word “responsible” irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of Dear Mother’s admonitions to “be a good steward.” By that she meant keeping all one’s possessions clean and in good repair, and especially “a place for everything and everything in its place,” so that things could be found instantly when needed. And not having to search in a panic for things like the good napkins with guests 15 minutes away makes entertaining smoother and happier. What could be more Perfectly Proper?

The short answer to your question is “Both.” Starting whatever your busy season is with a general inventory and cleaning of your party equipment will make your pre-party review of specific things you need more efficient. Maidcraft, a 1937 volume on housekeeping and domestic staff training, suggests checking over all the silver once a week (assuming that silver in daily use is polished as needed)*. Stanley Ager and Fiona St. Aubyn recommend a monthly polishing in A Butler’s Guide to Running the Home and Other Graces (1980)**.

But if you aren’t using your silver on a regular basis, go over it at least a week before any party so you have leisure to polish every piece that needs it. Why does Etiquetteer suggest this? Because a lunch for five last weekend required Etiquetteer to polish 30 pieces of silver the night before . . . not what Etiquetteer would have preferred to do. The same should apply to your other party equipment. Etiquetteer leaves ironing the white damask tablecloths to the professionals, but if they are carried home from the cleaners too casually, that work is for nought.

Glassware should certainly be checked over at least two days before a party, but to set the table so far in advance that dust has gathered in them . . . sweet mercy goodness, Etiquetteer thought your hostess must have been Miss Havisham! Etiquetteer recommends not actually setting the table until the day before at the earliest, and after the house has been dusted. But that may be done more confidently if you are aware of the condition of your equipment before you begin.

We’ve all heard about “spring cleaning,”** but a good brisk vigorous seasonal cleaning before whatever your household’s busiest season is**** should also include evaluating, cleaning, and repairing any party equipment that needs attention. And that process is easier when things are cleaned, polished, or ironed before they are put away after use.

If you find yourself at a dining table with unsafe items, and you can’t unobtrusively fix the problem yourself (for instance, by using your napkin to clean a piece of silver unseen in your lap), you are within your rights to ask your hosts for a replacement. It’s important, however, to do so in a way that doesn’t embarrass them. People forget that private homes are not restaurants, and it isn’t polite to speak to your hosts as though they were waiters. (And maybe you shouldn’t speak to the waiter that way, either.)

Finally, Cheryl Mendelson’s Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House (1999) is a comprehensive and helpful guide to all these questions and many more. Etiquetteer can’t recommend it highly enough.

Etiquetteer wishes you dining tables gleaming and sparkling with perfection, and Perfect Propriety.

*Page 74.

**Page 45.

***In Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth, Mrs. Peniston returns to her New York house every October. “The first two weeks after her return represented to Mrs. Peniston the domestic equivalent of a religious retreat. She “went through” the linen and blankets in the precise spirit of the penitent exploring the inner folds of conscience; she sought for moths as the stricken soul seeks for lurking infirmities.” In Etiquetteer’s case, substitute tarnish and red wine stains for moths.

****It could be the holiday season, or the time of year when you have the most visiting houseguests, not just the spring.

Drag Brunch, Vol. 23, Issue 4

Perfect Propriety is everywhere, even in environments some consider Not At All Perfectly Proper — like drag brunch. For the uninitiated, drag brunch is a midday entertainment in a restaurant or bar* featuring a succession of performers dressed in drag — so many sequins before 5:00 PM! — singing and/or lip-synching with big energy and commanding attention and Wigs of Breathtaking Self-Importance. Resistance is futile, so take a tip or two from Etiquetteer to ease your assimilation:

• Audience participation is unavoidable. Join in with the proper spirit(s). This is not the sort of brunch you go to when you want a relaxed vibe with friends. The performers are moving among all the tables almost all the time, and there are frequent admonitions to “make some noise” or sing along if you know the words**. People go expecting a rowdy good time with a sequined side of sass. Your attention will be focused on who’s performing at any given moment. Embrace that.

• Bring small bills; tipping is expected. The late Donna Summer was not wrong when she sang “She works hard for the money, so you better treat her right.” Tipping is part of the Total Entertainment Experience of drag brunch — Etiquetteer never knew anyone could accept a bill with their teeth — so save yourself some trouble and change those twenties for ones and fives before you get there. (Bonus points for the manager who circulated among the tables before showtime offering to change large bills.) Etiquetteer did witness some balling up of singles to throw them several feet to be caught (or not), but the more traditional method is to extend your hand holding an unfolded bill or fan of bills. If Accounts Receivable was like this, more companies would get their bills paid on time.

• Accessorize for protection. The organizer of Etiquetteer’s party brought some large folding fans for people to use; they made a satisfying snap when closed, so a good noisemaker when the voice gives out. A fan also makes handy armor if you open it completely and hold it under your chin. It barricades your torso and tipping arm from undue attention. The organizer also brought, and wore, some marvelous bling, explaining “I believe one needs to accessorize to represent ‘camp culture,’ support the performers, or simply join the spirit of sequins and sparkle.”

• Never attempt to upstage the performers. It’s their show, and they’ll let you know it.

• Always obey your drag queen. When she says “Make some noise,” you make some noise! When she says “If you know the words, sing along,” you fake it ‘til you make it. When she says “Get up and dance,” you . . . well, you use your own judgment and see what else is happening on the floor. More than a few people are petrified by the idea of being singled out by a performer, whether it’s a drag queen or a standup comic, and Etiquetteer respects that. If you’re receiving unwelcome attention from a performer, just sit there and don’t react, and don’t leave your seat if they attempt to pull you up, They’ll eventually leave you to find a more willing partner. They can’t slow down the show’s energy by waiting on you to give a reaction you clearly won’t.

• Whatever you do, never jeopardize Mademoiselle’s makeup. Etiquetteer is not even going to tell you how that nearly happened.

If you don’t feel you can participate at that level — indeed, if you can’t muster that much energy before noon in the first place — drag brunch may not be for you***. But as Kahlil Gibran so memorably observed in The Prophet, “. . . you will laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.” Etiquetteer wishes you joy at the brunch of your choice, and enough singles to leave everyone happy.

*But not necessarily. One of the performers had some saucy suggestions for alternative retail venues.

**This is not your grandma’s sing-along.

***Indeed, the other side of the coin could have been the late Mabel Mercer early in her career at Bricktop’s in Paris, singing at and to individual tables. “At Bricktop’s, Mercer was often asked to join guests at their tables and sing for them—she is said to have sung Cole Porter’s songs to him while sitting beside him at his table. From this point forward, Mercer sang sitting down, even when performing on stage to a larger audience,” according to the Yale Archives. This entertainment training led her to her peculiarly intimate way of communicating a lyric. (More here in the James Haskins biography.)

Oysters, Vol. 23, Issue 3

Before oysters became the indispensable first course of an important dinner*, they were “the fast food of the era” according to James C. O’Connell’s Dining Out in Boston. That era being the 19th century, of course. Before refrigeration, no breakfast could be quicker than to slurp down a dozen at an oyster house — or even quicker at an oyster bar, which didn’t have barstools. But they didn’t always have to be taken on the half shell; they could be serve roasted, stewed, or fried.

Serving oysters at home at a formal dinner is a little different from typical restaurant service because fewer condiments are permitted. “Little trays of horseradish, tabasco sauce, and oyster crackers should never appear at the dinner table,” according to Millicent Fenwick**, who ought to know. She would at least permit a little cup of cocktail sauce if it was embedded in the ice on each diner’s plate, “but a simpler and more formal way of serving them is with nothing more than a section of lemon.”***

Much more rarely seen now is the oyster cocktail, in which oysters are served with cocktail sauce or mignonette sauce in a small glass. (One possible recipe may be found here.) Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) included small oyster glasses in her wedding crystal, but they may never have been used. Etiquetteer uses them for eggnog, and occasionally for sherry with the soup course.

An oyster cocktail glass repurposed for eggnog.

To eat an oyster, the only tools allowed are the oyster fork, the shell, and your hand (solely for the purpose of lifting the shell to your mouth). To eat an oyster gracefully means being sure that the oyster is entirely loose in its shell before lifting it. Use the oyster fork to probe underneath first to dislodge it completely, otherwise you run the risk of looking clumsy, or just getting too intimate with that shell. If you’re served an oyster cocktail, use your oyster fork; don’t slurp them right out of the glass.

Of course oysters are Perfectly Proper on almost any occasion (they don’t seem to be thought of for breakfast any longer, though), formal or informal. Observe the beautiful iced tray in the photo above, brought to a lovely dinner last year by oyster experts for the cocktail hour. But whether served formally or informally, the real trick to eating oysters on the half shell is avoiding getting tiny bits of grit or shell into one’s mouth. Use your napkin to cover your mouth while extracting anything.

Etiquetteer’s favorite, however, will always be oysters Rockefeller — how convenient, since today happens to be National Oysters Rockefeller Day! Etiquetteer wishes you joyous and Perfectly Proper consumption of your favorite oysters, and prosciutto with melon for those who Simply Cannot Take Shellfish.

A restaurant presentation of oysters on the half shell. Note the horseradish served with the cocktail sauce. That would not be considered Perfectly Proper at home.

*Which has not been the case for decades. As usual, Etiquetteer blames Woodstock.

**Vogue’s Complete Book of Etiquette, by Millicent Fenwick (1948), page 305.

***Ibid.

Letter Writing, Vol. 23, Issue 2

Today marks the start of Universal Letter Writing Week*, which is just wonderful, because Etiquetteer knows how many of you have been looking for another reason to put pen to paper now that all the holiday cards have been sent.

Speed has always been prized in communication, so it’s no surprise that we’ve migrated to electronic means — texting, email, social media — though this can only be as fast as the willingness of the recipient to respond. Etiquetteer has had texts and DMs go unread for weeks. Ahem.

Today, letter writing could be described as the Slow Food of Personal Correspondence. It encourages traditional forms and ingredients, including stationery, and requires a bit more cultivation for a flavorful, fulfilling result. While letters are a wonderful way to tell a story, they may also be very brief. Etiquetteer very much has weddings on the brain right now (next month is National Weddings Month), and is therefore fascinated to discover the letters written individually to close family and friends to announce an engagement. A boilerplate example would be this:

Dear Myron,

Delighted to inform you that Miss Dewy Freshness has agreed to become my wife. Will you stand up with me as an usher?

Yours,

Manley

Brief, concise, specific — what could be more Perfectly Proper? One of the artifacts in Etiquetteer’s library is Dear Mother’s notebook of Effective Letters from her days in the secretarial pool. Letter writers are asked to review their correspondence for four qualities before sending: is it Clear? Concise? Conversational? Correct? Good advice then, good advice today.

A letter is not an email, and Etiquetteer wants letters to begin with the traditional salutation “Dear [Name].” Some people get fussy and declare “But So-and-So is not dear to me!” To which Etiquetteer responds “Don’t be so literal, it’s tedious.” Besides which, it’s often necessary to correspond with people not, um, First in our Affections. At the height of their feud, the explorers Sir Richard Burton and John Hanning-Speke could only be induced to begin their letters to each other with “Sir:” unsoftened by “Dear.”** Surely that’s not the tone you want to set.

Etiquetteer hopes you will take the time to write at least one honest-to-goodness letter this week — by hand or with your typewriter — not just to get back in practice, but for the joy your recipient will have in getting it.

*A gentle reminder that Etiquetteer does not come up with these observances, but decidedly enjoys them.

**Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton, by Edward Rice (1990), page 322.

Hats, Other People's Hat, and What to Do About Them, Vol. 23, Issue 1

The answer to the musical question “Does anyone still wear a hat?” remains “Yes, but not always correctly.” No one has yet put to music the question “What do I say when I see someone wearing a hat incorrectly?” because the answer is . . . silence.

A news story (prompted by a social media video, of course) about a young woman called out by an older man for wearing a baseball cap inside a library bristles with etiquette issues: how hats are worn, whether the same rules apply to baseball caps, respect vs. obedience, how gender and class and age inform what individuals think of as Perfectly Proper — and also that almost no one is familiar with what the rules are anyway.

First, let’s understand this: criticizing total strangers in public is bad manners. If the purpose of good manners is to put people at ease, calling them out doesn’t do that. Stop it at once!

Not even all the etiquette experts agree on what is and isn’t Perfectly Proper about hats. As we move toward a more gender-neutral code of manners, the overwhelming majority of ladies and gentlemen are not adopting gender-neutral wardrobes*. With that in mind, as a rule gentlemen remove their hats indoors (but not exclusively — Etiquetteer has written about that with more nuance here), and ladies may leave theirs on (until 6:00 PM, or until asked by the person sitting in the back row to stop blocking the view of the stage). So many men are incorporating hats into their cocktail party looks — very wannabe Humphrey Bogart, very wannabe Frank Sinatra. Etiquetteer really doesn’t approve — but also keeps mum, which is the whole point of this column.

Baseball caps, though, are gender neutral. For Etiquetteer, that means everyone should remove them indoors, and everyone should remove them for the National Anthem and for the passing of the American flag. Religious headgear should be worn according the rules of that particular religion, of course.

Finally, the most important reason you don’t call someone out about a hat is that they might have a reason for keeping it on you don’t know about. The late Arthur Friedman (may he rest in peace) told the story of being accosted in an elevator by another man for wearing a hat indoors. He was wearing it, in fact, to conceal an unattractive and discomfiting skin condition, and he let that man know about it in No Uncertain Terms** — but without removing his hat. He made his point, and the whole situation could have been avoided if that man had just minded his own business.

Etiquetteer wishes you beautiful displays of winter hats and caps, worn with Perfect Propriety.

*No, athleisure is not gender neutral. It’s just Sloth. Do better.

**Dear Arthur, always fearless, always irascible.

Table Talk, Vol. 22, Issue 83

“I gave her a look which she correctly interpreted to mean Stay Off Politics, and she said what a shame it was that, with all of Europe at war, we couldn’t go abroad for our honeymoon.” — Patrick Dennis, Auntie Mame

Dear Etiquetteer:

How may a host or hostess, in their fiduciary duty to all of their guests, firmly put a tourniquet on an unwelcome conversational topic arising at table (a situation where guests are more likely to feel held hostage, as opposed to an unseated situation where guests can move away)? Does the situation change where there is no one obviously assuming the role of host or hostess?

Dear Ambushed:

First, three cheers for using the word “fiduciary” outside its traditional context in the financial world. “Of the nature of a trust; involving confidence or trust” is the relevant definition in Dear Grandmother’s enormous old Webster’s New International Dictionary*. If we don’t use our words, we’ll lose ’em!**

In this case, you mean a dinner guest’s trust in the host to provide a safe, non-threatening occasion, and the host’s responsibility to do so when an obstacle appears. Advocating for the safety and comfort of guests who aren’t so forceful, without spotlighting those guests — hosts don’t always like to do this, but they need to.

That’s especially challenging when the obstacle is another guest with violently held beliefs ready to mix it up with anyone who disagrees. Let’s call this person the Volcano, a good gender-neutral term. Even though the stereotype is an angry old man, people of all genders and ages sound off and don’t know when to stop.

There’s no foolproof plan, sorry. No matter how many ways there are to send a message, a Volcano has to receive the message. A host’s first weapon is the Icy Glance or Stare, which will silence more than a few Volcanos. (In Etiquetteer’s experience, ladies are better at this than gentlemen.) A loud and brisk Change of Subject comes next, hopefully with the help of someone else at the table joining in. Go ahead and interrupt, even if the Volcano is a Venerable Old Relation.

If that doesn’t work, addressing the Volcano directly can’t be avoided. “We’re not going to be able to solve that problem around this table” or “We can talk about that after dinner” sound neutral, but the tone makes a difference. Deliver those remarks as if to say “You are absolutely ruining this dinner I have worked so hard to make nice for everyone, and I will never forgive you if you don’t shut your godforsaken mouth this very minute.”

And if even that doesn’t work, go full-on Fay Bainter in Jezebel. “This subject is an unwelcome one,” delivered with the icy crush of a collapsing glacier. Stand at the table for greater effect if necessary, say nothing further, and remain standing, glaring like the basilisk, until the Volcano apologizes or the conversation resumes on neutral topics.

You ask what to do if there’s no obvious host, but even in a restaurant, there’s generally someone who organized the party. That, to Etiquetteer, makes the organizer the responsible host. And if that person isn’t stepping up, why don’t you lead the way to a more neutral topic?

After dinner, someone may need to give the Volcano a good talking to about their bad manners. This may also include a threat not to invite them in the future if deemed necessary.

Etiquetteer wishes you smoothly run dinner tables with deft conversation to which all may contribute without fear of retribution. You’ll find some additional tips on dealing with the Voluble here.

*Page 941, and you’ll observe that’s not even halfway through F. It’s a Hefty Tome!

**As Bonnie Franklin so memorably said to Gavin McLeod on The Love Boat, “Lord, I love a silver-tongued man.”

Gift Receipts, Vol. 22, Issue 82

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband discovered a shocking new trend via that massive online seller (A....n): after selecting an item as a gift for another, the gift-giver has the option of checking a box that says, in effect, “If the gift recipient doesn’t like the gift, they can instead receive an A.....n gift card of equal cash value.” I think that’s about as gauche as it comes. Has gift-giving become merely (or solely) transactional? What’s the joy, then? 

Dear Mortified:

Like applauding the National Anthem (which is not Perfectly Proper), the gift receipt has come to stay, whether we like it or not. Gifts do sometimes have to be exchanged for good reason — for instance, if they’re the wrong size or don’t work. It isn’t always possible for the giver to handle that transaction, and that means the recipient needs the receipt.

But your husband’s discovery worked your last nerve — and it leads right to the heart of holiday gift-giving. A holiday gift has three attributes: it’s something the giver thinks will please the recipient, it’s a surprise, and its cash value (whether high or low) isn’t supposed to eclipse the relationship between giver and receiver. That said, everyone has received a gift that leads to the (hopefully silent) question “How well do you actually know me?” It’s understandable that people would rather receive gifts they actually want, but that’s a secondary part of the gift-giving equation. “Take what you get and like it,” as the old saying goes.*

There are gift-givers who genuinely, anxiously want to give a gift that will bring pleasure. They don’t always have the knowledge, and they still want it to be a surprise.** For them a gift receipt ensures that, even if they didn’t guess correctly, the recipient can still get something they prefer. What Etiquetteer thinks disturbs you most is the automatic assumption that the gift won’t please — not to mention the abrasive dissatisfaction some recipients can’t hide. Etiquetteer wishes more people would consider the feelings of the givers.

There’s a flip side to the gift receipt, also to do with that massive online seller: the wish list. It’s one thing to have a wish list where the curious can find it easily for gift ideas, but quite another to promote it actively. Greed is still one of the Seven Deadly Sins, besides which it’s Terribly Unattractive.

The larger question you didn’t ask is, why do we exchange gifts with people we don’t know sufficiently well to judge their preferences? Tradition? Obligation? Fear? If there is, in fact, no joy in gift-giving, why do we persist in it? If we were to take all that into consideration, Etiquetteer predicts that our giving lists would look much smaller and very different.

Etiquetteer wishes you many well-chosen and gracefully received gifts, and sincere Lovely Notes of Thanks afterward.

*Etiquetteer remembers, too, the 20th century corollary from the 1956 musical remake of The Women, The Opposite Sex:

• Pat (Carolyn Jones): “Nice girls take what they can get!”

• Crystal (Joan Collins): “Nice girls get what they can take!” This is Very Naughty Indeed.

**Of course holiday gifts should be a surprise! Etiquetteer gets so annoyed with people who don’t care about that.

No Children Invited, Vol. 22, Issue 81

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am planning a post-holiday gathering in January. I would like to keep this party for adults as most of the invitees do not have children. This will be a festive during the day event. The question that I have is this: Can I invite folks who I know have small children without their children, or is this downright rude? I will probably keep them off the list if it would cause trouble.

Dear Hosting:

Etiquetteer can see you trying to reconcile the competing interests of your guest list — wanting to create a festive but relaxed conversational atmosphere for those who find children a distraction while not making parents feel bad that their Little Darlings aren’t actually welcome and that they’ll have to find a sitter in order to attend. It’s a fine balance.

Etiquetteer can’t really consider it rude to invite parents to an adults-only daytime party, because the invitation provides the information they need to choose whether or not to attend. But Etiquetteer could see parents feeling surprised; it feels more usual to have a Gathering for Grownups in the evening. So you might a) expect them to decline because of the trouble of babysitting, or b) show up with the children anyway because they didn’t want to miss the party — and by then you can’t tell them to leave.

How would it be if you invited your Friends With Children to a second event the next day (or weekend)? That way you still get to see everyone on your list, the parents don’t have to hire sitters, and your Child-Free Friends can still enjoy an afternoon without Child Turbulence. You may want to consider having a couple small things like puzzles available to keep the children occupied — a strategy Dear Mother employed to great effect.

Etiquetteer wishes you happy gatherings of conversational ease with all your guests.

Family Problems at Christmas, Vol. 22, Issue 80

Dear Etiquetteer:

Thank you for your always helpful guidance for those occasionally awkward social enterprises. I often feel as though I was raised by wolves, and I’m deeply appreciative of your advice. I hope you don’t mind a couple questions, though I doubt they will completely fill your inbox. 

First, when extended family dine together for the holidays and one of the family is very hard of hearing, is there some polite phrase or two I might use to indicate to other members to raise their voices so that all might hear? Additionally, is there some jab I might throw to those who insist on using a normal voice to hold inappropriate conversations at the table, knowing those conversations won’t be heard by all? 

Next, at supposedly festive gatherings with family, what is the proper response to inquiries regarding the desire to have specific objects from deceased relatives? For example, when elderly sister #1 asks for Grandfather’s popcorn popper, I assume it would be wrong to state clearly that the disgusting thing was finally thrown out years after he passed. How might I politely communicate that the popcorn popper is no longer up for grabs?  

Dear Coping:

Etiquetteer commends you for your concern for the hard of hearing around your holiday table. Where the deft touch is needed is making your hard-of-hearing relatives feel included in the conversation without dampening the high spirits of others — which frequent calls of “Speak up so everyone can hear you!” are likely to do.

Your query reminded Etiquetteer of Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) and her desired procedure for the family to open gifts so that she didn’t miss anything. Only one present at a time, each person in turn, with time to admire the present, possibly discuss it, and then of course the discarded wrapping paper must be thrown away in the trashbag before moving on to the next person. It . . . shall we say it dampened the enthusiasm of the day* moving at such a slow pace? The point is, it’s impossible not to miss something during a holiday gathering, despite our best efforts.

But no one likes to feel completely removed from the action, and this is especially true for those who can’t hear so well. Volume is not the only factor in speaking with the hard of hearing; speed and diction are just as important. Lead by example at the table, speaking yourself slowly and distinctly at an appropriate volume so that everyone can hear. You may also occasionally ask someone to repeat themselves more slowly for your own benefit, rather than putting the blame on your hard of hearing guests. “Could you tell me that part again, a little louder please? I missed some of the details.” If you know in advance who will be seated next to that person, encourage them kindly before the meal, without admonition, to speak so that person can understand.

As to inappropriate conversations, nip that right in the bud with a brisk and vigorous “That is not something we talk about at the table. If you’re going to talk about that now, take it into the kitchen and then come back.” Etiquetteer assumes this is your own house, where a host or hostess always directs table talk. If you’re a guest, you might interpose “I think it would be much better if we could talk about this after dinner, away from the table,” accompanied by a Stern Glance.

Etiquetteer will confess to being amused at your disgust over your grandfather’s long-gone popcorn popper, now desired by an older sister. You proved the old saying “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure!” At least she had the grace to wait until your grandfather was cold in his grave. Whenever a request like this comes up, at Christmas or not, be honest and neutral: “I wish I could give it to you, but all those things were disposed of at the time.” She need not know what you think of that Discarded Artifact, or her request for it.

Etiquetteer wishes you charming and distinctly heard conversations across your holiday table.

*Translation: it was agony.

Etiquette in the News: Holiday Party Invitations, Vol. 22, Issue 81

“Never ask why you weren’t invited; you might find out.” — Etiquetteer

“But Love and I had the wit to win.//We drew a circle that took him in!” — from “Outwitted, by Edwin Markham

Getting a party invitation is nice, especially around the holidays. When the invitation is rescinded because you weren’t really supposed to be invited is, um, jarring at best. And this is the situation about half the Boston City Council found itself in this month after an aide mistakenly invited the entire Council to a holiday party hosted by the mayor. The party, which has been held for several years, was for the Electeds of Color group, to which the seven white members of the Council don’t belong. This had led to what is known as a Diplomatic Incident. (More about what happened and how people responded may be found here.)

Etiquetteer’s heart goes out to the aide who made the error. This inauspicious incident, however, may inspire this person to a truly remarkable career in diplomacy, much like the late Letitia Baldrige*. Bronze, as Etiquetteer has noted for many years, is only purified by passing through the flames.

Outrage over this incident does not seem to be coming from the disinvited councilors, to their credit, but from others who a) weren’t even on the guest list to begin with, and b) have what is known as a Political Agenda. That sort of behavior — loudly and publicly complaining about not being invited to a party — would lead Etiquetteer to cross anyone off any guest list, at the holidays or otherwise.

Etiquetteer took note of District 3 councilor Frank Baker’s comment that “If the Southie electeds had a party, everyone would be invited.**” Then why, Etiquetteer wonders, hasn’t he done so already? What a gesture of unity and forgiveness so entirely in keeping with the Spirit of Christmas! Since he will be leaving the City Council at the end of this term, Etiquetteer will not be holding his breath for that to happen — but perhaps whoever takes that seat on the Council next year will take up that challenge and host a party with a more comprehensive guest list of elected officials and their significant others.

In summary: whining is unattractive, and for heaven’s sake, proofread the guest list before pressing Send. Here’s to a smoother holiday season in 2024!

*She is so very candid about the mistakes she made in her storied career in her memoir A Lady, First, which you know Etiquetteer is fond of quoting.

**His comment about the Parkman House, the city-owned mansion where the party was held, “being a public space where everyone should be welcome” is naive at best. Aside from anything else, the house has an extremely limited capacity.

Opera Pumps, Vol. 22, Issue 79

Menswear writer Eric Twardzik published a piece yesterday about opera pumps becoming “a modern black-tie essential,”* and it made Etiquetteer ask “Weren’t they always?”

Twentieth-century etiquette writers do not wax rhapsodic over a gentleman’s evening shoes. Their collective attitude seems to be the police detective’s: “Just the facts, ma’am.” Esquire Etiquette of 1953 just states “Black patent leather only. Pumps, with or without flat grosgrain bows, or oxfords without toe caps.”** Emily Post Herself in 1937 said only “. . . wear patent-leather pumps, or ties, and plain black silk socks.”*** Amy Vanderbilt gives us more to work with in 1963: “. . . pumps are worn with tails, at home with a smoking jacket, or with a dinner jacket.” But she also notes the innovation (intrusion?) of black suede. “Internationally minded well-dressed men have been wearing black suede shoes with dinner jackets. Much easier on the feet, they say, for long standing and for dancing.”**** Which leads Etiquetteer to ask “Can they really be called opera pumps if they aren’t patent leather?”

Apparently yes, but Etiquetteer is not really convinced. Twardzik reports on at least one traditional cobbler turning out opera pumps in black suede, which doesn’t push the envelope so much. But the availability of daring color combinations like royal blue and ivory or red and black giraffe print, or the statement that “There is very little that looks equally at home with black tie and an old beaten-up pair of 501s” — oh dear me no, that is intruding into the role of the furlane, the famous Venetian gondolier slippers. Call Etiquetteer No Fun if you wish, but if they aren’t designed exclusively for evening clothes, they need to be called something else.

And really, just how experimental can one get with evening clothes and still appear as a gentleman? Traditional (some might say rigid) style for a man’s evening clothes required an absence of color for Perfect Propriety: black and white only including one’s boutonniere*****. But Fashion will sometimes intrude a spot of color. Emily Post noted “London’s rage for red carnations has not gone out of fashion, and lots of the smartest men have been wearing them; but others equally smart have refused to accept them.” And Etiquetteer was astonished to learn from The Gentry Man****** that in the 1950s Capezio had introduced an opera pump with interchangeable bows of red or white, “smart, subtle and welcome color to formal wear . . . ”

In the last 50 years the rise of Creative Black Tie has led to a near permanent blurring of the traditional rules — which even Etiquetteer has embraced on festive occasions. Last year Etiquetteer invested (it is not too strong a word) in a pair of Baudoin and Lange opera pumps, and they are truly elegant and comfortable, and much easier to contend with than oxfords. And for a themed formal evening, why not dress them up with an old pair of earrings that coordinate with socks and waistcoat?

The best advice remains what Auntie Mame told Agnes Gooch that fateful New Year’s Eve: “Put down that lime green at once, Agnes. You’re supposed to dominate it!” From shoes to chapeau, what you wear should call flattering attention to you. What could be more Perfectly Proper than that?

Etiquetteer wishes you well-dressed and beautiful wintertime functions.

*It’s a most interesting piece, especially for those who love formal dress.

**Esquire Etiquette: A guide to business, sports and social conduct by the editors of esquire magazine, 1953.

***Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage, by Emily Post (Mrs. Price Post), 1937.

****Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette, 1963.
*****Etiquetteer has written about a gentleman’s jewelry here.

******The Gentry Man: A Guide for the Civilized Male: The Best of Gentry Magazine 1951-1957.

Holiday Cards, Vol. 22, Issue 78

Do you send holiday cards for the Holiday of Your Choice? Yesterday was National Christmas Card Day*, and That Lazy Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much — goaded in part by Etiquetteer — set to work on Getting the Cards Out on Time.

As a reminder, Etiquetteer allows much more leeway than others about how long cards may be sent. If the Twelve Days of Christmas begin with Christmas Day, then you may continue to wish people a Merry Christmas until Twelfth Night, January 6. Why not?! In practice, however, it’s better form to switch to New Year’s greetings after Christmas Day. Etiquetteer loves New Year’s cards, and is sometimes tempted to switch exclusively to those. Begin sending as soon after Thanksgiving as you choose. Etiquetteer knows one gentleman who has his cards signed, sealed and stamped, ready to put in the mailbox on December 1.

In what order do you mail your cards? Everyone maintains their lists differently: address books, index cards**, and spreadsheets. That Mr. Dimmick records the date a card was mailed, and happily forgot to delete last year’s column before beginning this year’s cards. Last year That Mr. Dimmick didn’t even get started until December 22, and finally gave up on December 30. It’s helpful to begin by sending cards to anyone you may not have gotten to last year. Remember, they can remove you from their lists with Perfect Propriety after three years of no word. But if you have already started receiving cards from others, begin your list by replying to them before anyone else.

Yes, you may use address labels, as long as you include a handwritten note inside the card. (There must be handwriting someplace.) And please, don’t forget the honorifics! Mr., Mrs., Ms., Mx., and the rest all have their Perfectly Proper place when you address your envelopes.

You can review Etiquetteer’s holiday checklist here for more guidance on Getting the Cards Out on Time with Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer wishes you joy in sending your holiday greetings — and joy in abstaining from sending holiday greetings if that’s what you prefer.

*Don’t blame Etiquetteer! Etiquetteer does not make up these National Days.

**Like Dear Mother (may she rest in peace). This time of year she is greatly missed as she could generally be relied on to provide the most up-to-date address for that Elusive Cousin.

Adventures of a Hat, Vol. 22, Issue 77

“You look like a freak in that hat.” This unsolicited information was provided to Etiquetteer yesterday by a total stranger on the sidewalk, a white man in his 30s suffering not just from Bad Manners, but also an Absence of Imagination. As usual, That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much thought of the perfect comeback about 45 seconds too late: “I’m not wearing it for you.” But Etiquetteer knew better and continued on his way. There’s no need to engage with These People. Remember that old saying: “Don’t wrestle with a pig. You both get muddy, but the pig likes it.”

The hat in question is a burgundy fedora, worn at a slight angle with everyday clothes and (on this occasion) a Wistful Smile. Once an absolute requirement for gentlemen*, men’s hats practically disappeared in the 1960s. Etiquetteer blames Woodstock, as usual. Gentleman’s Gazette, however, suggests a variety of causes, from improved climate control to snarky internet memes.** Dandies, classic menswear enthusiasts (they are not really the same thing), and Otherwise Dapper Gentlemen continue to sport fedoras, trilbys, pork pies, etc. as exemplars of Perfect Propriety. And there’s no reason you shouldn’t consider joining the fun.

How should a gentleman wear a brimmed hat such as a fedora? The film noir detective slouch, identified with the late Humphrey Bogart, is so popular — but is it burlesqued? Amy Vanderbilt sets us straight in her New Complete Book of Etiquette (1963): “A man’s hat should sit more or less squarely on his head, not be pushed toward the back*** or tipped too jauntily to the side. It should never distort the natural position of his ears.” So, you’ll know you’re going too far if you feel your ears getting pushed around. A bit of an angle is still Perfectly Proper.

By the way, not ten minutes after being accused of looking like a freak, Etiquetteer got unsolicited compliments from two different people on two different sidewalks. Which just goes to show that a) self-confidence really is the most attractive garment, b) dressing well makes a difference, and c) if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. What could be more Perfectly Proper than that?

*There were exceptions. J. Bruce Ismay, notorious owner of the White Star Line who survived the sinking of the Titanic, never wore a hat in any weather.

**Perhaps that total stranger was unduly influenced by an anti-fedora meme.

***Journalists always seem to wear their hats this way in old movies.

Potluck Bounty, Vol. 22, Issue 76

Dear Etiquetteer:

Over the years I have given a lot of potlucks or parties where people have brought things, but lately I am afraid I’m becoming too absent-minded to keep doing this. Twice lately I have discovered after the party something had been brought to be enjoyed that night and then not served. Not casseroles or anything prepared, thank goodness! But since it’s my house and I’m the host, I feel guilty for letting down my company. The first time it was a grocery bag of novelty breads and provisions, and I just couldn’t figure out how to serve it. The second time someone had brought a bag of candies.

I hate to think of it! Etiquetteer, what can I do?

Dear Potlucking:

“Taking pot luck” adds the element of chance to a party, and that’s OK. Part of the knack of hosting any party is being ready to respond to anything*. This is especially true for potlucks. It sounds like you’re getting thrown by the unexpected, and worried about the perception of holding back. There’s a way to figure this out.

First, and it can’t be said enough, whatever guests bring to a potluck needs to be fully prepared and ready to serve. Nothing more than reheating (or chilling, as in wine or ice cream) should need to happen. When that doesn’t happen, don’t be afraid to ask what they were planning. “Oh, how lovely! How are you going to serve this?” will then yield a) a Blank Stare, followed by b) requests for serving pieces or c) “Whatever you’d like.” Don’t let them get away with c). In your nicest Hostly Voice, direct them to put their offering on the buffet and let them figure it out.

That could bring you back to b), and you’ll be able to respond to that more calmly if you know what you have and where it is. A pre-party review of serving utensils and trays and bowls is not really a bad idea anyway. Is there a place where you could stash extra spatulas or trays where you could get to them easily? Consider having them out and ready just in case.

All this can feel tough if you feel rushed, but remember, a potluck is casual by definition. Draft guests to help out by answering the door or serving drinks, which will help you focus on the unexpected in the kitchen.

Finally, are you quite sure some of these Neglected Offerings weren’t hostess gifts? Did you miss hearing (or your guests miss saying) “This is for you to enjoy later”? If you continue to feel distressed about this, consider inviting these guests to something different, like a sit-down meal, and add “Please don’t bring anything — it’s all take care of” to the invitation.

Etiquetteer wishes you calm in the eye of your hospitable storm and continued delight in your company.

*Etiquetteer will never forget having to help bandage a guest who fell down the stairs, for instance.

Ten Tips for Thanksgiving Guests, Vol. 22, Issue 75

Are you dining away from home for Thanksgiving? Whether you are celebrating in a place you’ve been before, or someplace brand new, Etiquetteer has a few tips to help your Thanksgiving Day go smoothly.

1. Be on time. If the invitation has been given for a specific time, be there then. Often Thanksgiving invitations are on the informal side — “Oh, show up around 2:00, and we’ll sit down to dinner somewhere between 3:00 and 4:00 depending on the turkey” — but you’re within your rights to ask when dinner is served if that hasn’t been stated.

2. Know how you’re getting there. Perhaps it’s just because looking things up on GPS or a map app is so immediate, but your drive to your destination will be less stressful if you look up all the directions before you get in the car — preferably the day before. You will take to the roads with greater confidence, and that will result in a calmer atmosphere for your passengers, and yourself. If you’re traveling by train or bus, confirm the schedules in advance, too. Never assume.

3. Bring your assigned contribution accurately. Etiquetteer is by no means excusing the super-specific bossiness of “Marney” over at Awkward Family Photos (that is just Beyond the Pale), but if you have been asked to bring dry white wine, don’t show up with a Riesling, or mashed potatoes if you’ve been asked to make yams. That means not waiting to the last minute for shopping. (In other words, today is your last chance, so get busy!)

4. Yes, you should offer to help. Yes, even if you really hope your hosts decline. If you are particularly good at something, offer to do that. (“Can I help arrange the flowers? Do you need me to look after the children?”) Keep in mind that often help is needed more after the feast than beforehand. Etiquetteer’s Dear Uncle (may he rest in peace) was not efficient around the house, but he was excellent at drying dishes and could be counted on in a pinch for that needful task. (And if your hosts do decline, don’t insist. They know how they like to do things.)

5. Know when you need to step away. Sometimes Thanksgiving feels overwhelming and we need a moment alone. Recognize when a retreat to an empty space (the guest room, the bathroom, the back yard, even the garage) is in everyone’s best interest.

6. Don’t make a fuss at the table. Missing your favorite casserole? Turkey’s not quite done to your liking? Unless you’re offering to host next year, Etiquetteer wants you to hush up.

7. Keep the food moving. Whether your feast is served family style* or it’s just rolls, gravy and cranberry sauce on the table, keep passing everything to your right until everyone has been served. If you’re not having any yourself, don’t just leave the serving dish in front of you. Others may want some! (If you are the first person to pick up the bread basket, you may offer it to the person at your left, then help yourself and pass to the right.)

8. Expect to be part of the conversation. Thanksgiving is like any other dinner party, and that means actually talking to other people (whether you want to or not) and not just burying yourself in your phone. Have something to say about what’s happening in your own life. Those who define themselves as Conversationally Challenged should arm themselves with open-ended questions to deflect, e.g. “I don’t have a lot of experience with [Insert Topic Here]. What was your experience like?” or “Tell me how that impacted you.”

9. Napping is Perfectly Proper, just not at the table. Whether you blame tryptophan** or just good old-fashioned Gluttony, we are often sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. Etiquetteer can find no sin in succumbing briefly to post-prandial unconsciousness, but don’t take up all available space on the sofa.

10. Send a Lovely Note of Thanks. So what if it’s a relative who hosted? Hosting Thanksgiving is a lot of work! And this is a holiday about being thankful, yes? Dash off a Lovely Note the next morning, brief and sincere. Protip: kill two birds with one stone by adding to your holiday card “And we loved spending Thanksgiving with you. Thank you for including us!”

Etiquetteer wishes you a stress-free, smooth and very Happy and Perfectly Proper Thanksgiving.

*Or service à la française if you want to sound highfalutin’ — which is not really Perfectly Proper.

**Which is not actually why we feel sleepy after Thanksgiving, according to Psychology Today. Surprise!

Thanksgiving Preparations, Vol. 22, Issue 74

The Time of Great Feasts is here! Welcome to the first day of Thanksgiving Week! It’s a wonderful day, if you haven’t started already, to inventory your gear to help keep the Happy Day as joyous, calm, and stress-free as possible. Let’s go through your storage and consider what’s what and what might need to be done.

LINENS

Do you have a tablecloth for each dining table? Do you know where they are? Find them and check for unexpected spots or wrinkles. There’s still time for laundering, ironing, and repairing. Are there napkins, both for dinner and for that long period beforehand that’s anything from snack time to the cocktail hour? If you’re using cloth napkins, check for flaws and iron when needed. If you’re using paper, make sure you have enough for everyone and buy what you’re missing. (Etiquetteer has written about cloth vs. paper napkins before.)

CHINA and Glass

Moving to the china cupboard, do you have enough dinner plates and dessert plates for each person? Check for nicks or breakage, and also have a stack of extra plates handy for unexpected arrivals. (On Thanksgiving it’s awkward to turn anyone away.) Look over your water goblets and wineglasses (and any others you may need) for nick, cracks and spots. You still have time to make them sparkle.

SILVER

Emily Post Herself used to say “Use silver that shines or none at all.” This was not an excuse to Use Disposable Instead! Do you have enough silverware for each person?* Do you have all the serving pieces you need: platters, trays, utensils? Check each piece for spots and tarnish; there’s still time for polishing.

FOR THE TABLETOP

Do you know what your centerpiece(s) will be? Are those items near at hand? Have you checked the good salt and pepper shakers to be sure they’re filled and that the salt hasn’t caked solid since last year? Are all your sauceboats and bread baskets and butter dishes and the special dish you use for cranberry sauce clean and ready to go?

Etiquetteer made this survey last night, and there are some challenges to take care of now. Most everything is in Perfectly Proper condition, but the cork stoppers in the salt and pepper shakers are wedged solid; I must find a way to coax them out without breaking the corks. Conversely, I cannot seem to fit tapers into a large brass candelabra firmly enough that one or two don’t fall out. Recent discovery of a set of large damask napkins is going to require some dedicated ironing.

But, in the words of the late Belle Poitrine, “The answer to the challenge is always yes!” It’s easier to give that answer, though, when there’s time enough for a Perfectly Proper response. Etiquetteer wishes you well as your preparations continue.

*For a buffet, one dinner knife and fork, and one dessert fork and spoon per person should do. For a seated dinner, you may need more, depending on the menu and style of service.

Buffets, Vol. 22, Issue 73

Each household has its own way of celebrating Thanksgiving, from booking a private room at the club to sitting on the sofa in front of the TV like every other dinner, just with a nicer plate. But a buffet seems to be the most popular way to serve Thanksgiving dinner, with its Glorious Bird and galaxy of required favorite side dishes and desserts. Buffets can be easy, but they also have their issues. Let’s look at how to manage a Thanksgiving buffet with Perfect Propriety.

By definition a buffet is informal (although Perfectly Proper households use the Good Stuff for this important holiday). For Thanksgiving it is arranged either in the dining room (on the sideboard or on the dining table itself if everyone is seated elsewhere) or even along the kitchen island*. Many of the old etiquette books put symmetry and aesthetics over user convenience, putting the plates in the center of the buffet in front of the main course. But darn it, that means only one person can approach the buffet at a time, and we all know that’s not efficient for a big family feed! Please position your plates at the end where guests will start serving themselves, and the main course immediately next to it. Then side dishes, and then silver and napkins at the very end (if not already set on the dining tables, see below). Desserts should be brought out after everyone has finished dinner.

“The buffet supper is clearly rising in favor among smart metropolitan people” rhapsodizes Lila Haxworth Wallace in The New American Etiquette of 1941. “In a small house or apartment, more guests can be entertained at a buffet supper than at dinner. Late arrivals do not upset seating arrangements . . . and it can be make one of the prettiest and gayest of social occasions . . . Candles on the table and on the buffet, of course. Lovely flowers. Fine laces, or bare mahogany, or shining glass surfaces. Stacks of plates, piles of dainty small napkins, knives, spoons and forks arranged in graceful patterns.” What could be more Perfectly Proper?

The only problem with this Vision of Loveliness is the bounty of the Thanksgiving menu. “Graceful patterns” of silverware, no matter how pretty, take up valuable real estate. Take a tip from Etiquetteer and set each place at your table(s) in advance. This not only leaves room for the creamed onions, it means your guests have fewer things to carry as they search for their places. Whether you have one or two large tables or several small ones, save more buffet space by placing bread baskets and condiments (butter, cranberry sauce and other relishes) on each one.

Because it’s a buffet, you just need to have one dinner knife and fork per person, and one dessert fork and spoon. Remember, dessert silver goes horizontally at the top of each place. Set your water goblets and wineglasses to the right of each place as well.

Finally, a couple things people sometimes forget. Protect the surface of your buffet table with a trivet or pad for each hot dish, especially the platter for the Glorious Bird. Second, if you use candlesticks, get a bobeche for each one, a small glass collar that rests on top of the candlestick and prevents melted wax from dribbling onto your best table linens.

And one last word about napkins. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays when people go on and on about cloth napkins vs. paper napkins. Etiquetteer covered it all before, and while it scandalizes some cloth-minded people, paper napkins can be Perfectly Proper. Read it all here.

Etiquetteer wishes you smooth and happy arrangements for your Great Feasts! And please send any further queries you might have here.

*This is how Dear Mother managed holiday buffets for a family of eight.

Intrusive Questions and Difficult Topics, Vol. 22, Issue 72

Dear Etiquetteer:

Is there a gracious way to say “None of your gosh-darned business?”

I am widowed, and now live with an opposite-gendered human being to whom I am not married. People always try hinting at a definition of our “relationship,” and while it is complicated and ever evolving, we are two full grown adults, and I really am tired of, “No, not my husband. Had one of those once,” and leaving it at that. I will sometimes shorthand it as “partners” as we run a farm together, work on various projects together, edit each others’ writing, and the like, but then he worries people will treat that like LGTBQA etc. folks who call their spouses “partners.”

The same “None of your gosh-darned business” phrase (less politely thought but never verbally expressed using profanity) comes to mind in other situations as well. I often just deflect and change the subject. I do not want to debate politics with you, near stranger, or hear your thoughts of vaccines, and my vote is my own business and no one else’s. In political terms people then always seem to think I must be their opposite (whatever that issue is) and try to “change my mind” anyway.

That’s my puzzle.

Dear Puzzling:

Intrusive questions do get frustrating, no doubt about it. And here we are, heading into the Time of Great Feasts, when they seem to come up more than usual. In your case, the most charitable explanation is that your inquisitors — oh, excuse me, your neighbors — might want to know what social unit to invite to a dinner: a couple, or two singles, or just one.

If “We’re not a couple” divulges more information than you wish to share, or prompts even more questions, you might try turning the questions back. “I'm really puzzled why you take such an interest in my personal life. Were you thinking about asking me over for dinner?” or “Do you take this much interest in everyone’s personal arrangements?”

While Etiquetteer often suggests an air of Infinite Regret over such comments, what's important to you is that the inquiries stop. That requires a less accommodating delivery. Etiquetteer has never forgotten a particular exchange in 1776 in which Dr. Hall of Georgia deftly deflects the attempts of Mr. Rutledge of South Carolina to get him to make a public statement about independence:

Hall: “I am here without instructions, able to vote my own personal convictions.”

Rutledge: “And they are . . . ?”

Hall: [a pause; he examines him] “Personal.”

The most important part of that exchange is the pause. Dr. Hall used it to give Mr. Rutledge notice that his question was out of bounds. Timing is important. Learn to use it to your advantage.

But for those who lack the ability even to take that hint, spell it out. “I think of myself as a reserved person, and there’s just a lot that I prefer not to talk about. Thanks for respecting my choice to be more circumspect about things that a lot of other people do prefer to talk about.”

Etiquetteer wishes you cordial and reserved interactions throughout the Time of Great Feasts, and beyond.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I would love to hear about how to handle Israel-Palestine discussions. Help! Many of us are scared to say anything for fear of being attacked or misunderstood. 

Dear Scared:

First, if you don’t want to have the discussion, you don’t have to. If you want to initiate a discussion with someone, ask their permission first.

More important than that, actually, is where and with whom to have the discussion. Not online, and not with total strangers, especially online. Etiquetteer has always said not to engage with bots and trolls on social media, and never has Etiquetteer witnessed such incendiary baiting and wharrgarbl. Bots and trolls are eager to misunderstand and attack you. Know who you’re talking to! Have your discussions in person if possible, or at least on platforms where you know all the participants and what you share won’t be open to the general public.

The same rules apply to discussing the war as they do for any difficult topic: keep calm, be prepared to listen, explain your position carefully, and know your facts (and get them from more than one source). Finding out where others get their facts will also be important; if it’s the Platform Formerly Known as Twitter, for instance, gently express a preference for more reliable sources. Be honest with yourself about why you’re participating: to change minds, share your beliefs, understand others, or express your emotions. Each choice will see you choose your words differently.

Accept from the beginning that there is no guarantee your talk will resolve any differences. Etiquetteer was deeply impressed by the story of two Georgia women on opposite sides of the war who had a discussion about their differences anyway. While they in no way came together, Etiquetteer admires Samara Minkin and Sanadia Oliver for committing to talking with each other respectfully about their differing viewpoints.

Caught by a Funeral, Vol. 22, Issue 71

From the daily life of Etiquetteer, a lesson on what to do when taken unawares — but Etiquetteer yields the floor to That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much:

During the pandemic a nearby cemetery became my happy place — because there was almost no one else there. But one of the risks of frequent cemetery visits is the sudden appearance of a funeral cortège. After four years I’ve learned that when pre-recorded hymn tunes start pealing from the tower, a new Permanent Resident is entering by the front gates, followed by a long cortège of cars. Just what are you supposed to do?!

Well, you are really supposed to stop and stand with your hat off until the entire procession passes you. This time I was not on the same avenue as the procession, though it was visible to me. I felt I could continue on my way, though I had to slow my pace until all the cars passed my intersection. On one occasion last year I ducked hastily through some shrubbery to another avenue, which was Not Really Perfectly Proper At All. But there have been other times when leaving the cemetery I have encountered arriving funeral processions, and then there’s no escape. The only course was to stop and remove my hat until the entire cortège has passed. Yes, that might be a while, but inconvenience means nothing. Death itself is inconvenient. Death waits for no one*, so respect must be shown. Be patient.

Now when I say remove your hat, I mean men remove secular headgear (religious and military headgear have their own rules), and people of all gender expressions remove baseball caps. There are etiquette writers in this century ready to make hat removal entirely gender neutral, but I am not ready to tell ladies that some large-brimmed hat needs to come off every time they walk into a building . . . or every time a hearse passes by.

The only other incident I’ll mention happened a couple weeks ago on a rainy afternoon under my rainbow umbrella** when I unexpectedly walked by an interment. Thankfully there was enough distance between us, but I felt uncomfortably like Ruth Gordon in Harold and Maude (see above). But in such bad weather it would have been folly to furl it while continuing on my way. No, I won’t be getting a new black umbrella, either.

At least today I was soberly garbed.

*Etiquetteer has been saying “Death waits for no man” over 30 years, but the only attribution I can find for it is a writer named Markus Zusak, from his novel The Book Thief, which was published in this century. Further information about this quote is more than welcome.

**Middle-aged man + rainbow umbrella = I think we know.