2018 Year in Review, Vol. 17, Issue 65

Fast away the Old Year passes, and Etiquetteer often likes to look back of the Perfect, and Imperfect, Propriety of the Old Year. And 2018 had plenty of both to offer.

Someone’s bad behavior dominated the news all year long; you know who it is without Etiquetteer having to say his name. The words of India Wilkes in Gone With the Wind still come vividly to mind: “You’ve done everything you can to lower the prestige of decent people.” And of a Great Nation, too. His behavior should goad us all to Set a Better Example of our own in our daily lives.

And so, to specific stories:

Early in the year Delta Airlines announced that it would be cracking down on abuses of the rules for traveling with emotional support animals. “Ignoring the true intent of existing rules governing the transport of support and service animals can be a disservice to customers with real and documented needs.,” said the airline in a statement. Sadly, the filp side of that Encouraging Development was the death of a French bulldog puppy on a United Airlines flight after the owners were ordered to put the dog (in its carrier) in an overhead compartment. The airline announced that it would now be working with American Humane to review their policies, and Etiquetteer hopes this will also result in improved employee training.

In the spring a French court denied citizenship to an Algerian woman who refused to shake hands with an immigration official citing religious custom. This put the old saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” up against the other old saying “A gentleman never forces his attentions on a lady.” Etiquetteer sides with the lady. Still, it’s embarrassing when a profferred hand is refused, and it can be humliating when it happens in public. So Etiquetteer has a certain sympathy with the official. But is refusal to shake hands grounds for a denial of citizenship? Etiquetteer finds that penalty extreme.

What people display on their lawns, and how disapproval was expressed about them, also made the news. The first case had to do with hanging laundry out to dry and an anonymous letter requesting that it stop. There’s Nothing Improper about hang-drying laundry, though one’s front yard should be used only as a Last Resort. The second had to do with a December display of inflatable dragons that one anonymous neighbor felt was too “cult-like” to be Perfectly Proper for Christmas. Observe that in both cases the issues became public when the anonymous complaints were made public via social media by the recipients and then picked up by the news media. Anonymous letters are possibly the most cowardly way to resolve a problem. Etiquetteer doesn’t recommend it. In fact, they backfired. Public support for both the laundry and the dragons was very encouraging, thereby defeating the aims of the anonymous complainers.

The House of Windsor celebrated two weddings: Prince Harry to Meghan Markle, now known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank, now known as Princess Eugenie and Mr. Brooksbank. Etiquetteer certainly enjoyed covering the weddings, especially from the point of view of the show-stopping Greville Emerald Kokoshnik Tiara that used Princess Eugenie as a Tiara Delivery System.

One of the biggest issues on the restaurant front was when Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her party were asked to leave a restaurant because of her position in the current administration. That certainly made Etiquetteer reflect on the dinner Mrs. Vanderbilt gave for the German ambassador . . . after World War I was declared . . .

Also in the restaurant world, one waitress took action against bad behavior. Lots of men, including many who think of themselves as gentlemen, used to get away with patting women on the backside or “copping a feel,” but no more. Over the summer one waitress had enough and decked a restaurant patron who felt her up. The man was arrested, too.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral made headlines in September, not least for a bishop’s inappropriate (though probably unintended) contact with the bosom of singer Ariana Grande. Etiquetteer used a few examples from the funeral to discuss How Not to Upstage the Deceased.

People who care about matters of manners made news, too. Former White House social secretaries Mary Jane McCaffree (Eisenhower) and Nancy Tuckerman (Kennedy) died, and UK etiquette expert William Hanson started a hilarious podcast with radio personality Jordan North, “Help, I Sexted My Boss.”

Aaron Gouveia, the father of a five-year-old boy who paints his fingernails, took a stand against bullying after his son was publicly shamed by his schoolmates. Etiquetteer voted Mr. Gouveia Father of the Year in a column on manicures for men. Also from the schoolroom, a Connecticut school put an end to parental visits to the lunchroom. Etiquetteer cannot even imagine why this Parental Indulgence was allowed in the first place.

Bad behavior on public transportation continued to make news. In Boston a woman named Jada Campbell not only refused to move her bag off a seat when asked by a 71-year-old woman, but then punched her when she tried to move the bag. Your bag isn’t entitled to a seat. Period. And violence is never the way to solve a problem. Etiquetteer hopes Ms. Campbell’s arrest has changed her attitude. In December another rider brought a gigantic live Christmas tree onto the Red Line at rush hour - NOT Perfectly Proper!

The list could go on, of course, but by all means share your best and/or worst moments of 2018 Perfect Propriety with Etiquetteer. Let’s all do our best to make 2019 a Most Proper Year Indeed!

Time for Lovely Notes, Vol. 17, Issue 64

Dear Readers:

Now is definitely the time to get started on those Lovely Notes of Thanks for all the nice presents you just received! Etiquetteer has a few words from the writing desk to get you started (if you haven’t yet started).

Yes, it’s true that Lovely Notes are a more effective way to communicate gratitude than phone calls, emails, or text messages. Handwritten notes “not your style”? Too bad! You don’t want to give the impression that Gratitude isn’t your style, do you? You might discover that Generosity isn’t the style of gift-givers who feel neglected. So reach for that box of stationery and get crackin’!

Thanks at Christmas, 2018

“At this most festive season of the year,” as they say in Dickens’s famous A Christmas Carol, it’s important to remember to thank those who make Christmas special for us: the clergy, music directors and musicians, the retail staff who project Infinite Patience, and especially those who are cooking and serving good food to us. Don’t forget to say thank you; it’s the Most Perfectly Proper thing you can do.

And with that, allow Etiquetteer to wish you a very happy, merry, and Perfectly Proper Christmas.

Holiday Parties at the Office, Vol 17, Issue 63

Halfway through December, we’re already thick into the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. So you may already have been through the holiday gathering of your workplace. But just in case it’s yet to come, Etiquetteer has a few words of advice for getting through it with Perfect Propriety.

Keep it light. Office socializing can help colleagues work better together by fostering a sense of community as well as personal understanding. That doesn’t mean that the annual holiday do is the right time to dig more deeply into that budget issue or policy disagreement, and especially not to be adding action items to anyone’s list. Think of your office party chatter as a feather. It can only stay airborne if it’s light. If you need some help getting started, topics most people will have something to say about include holiday plans and shopping, and of course the weather. Etiquetteer should not have to tell you to Stay Off Politics.

Dress appropriately. This is still a professional gathering and you need to appear as a professional. Unless otherwise stated in the invitation, wear what you’d ordinarily wear to the office with one or two “deft and tasteful suggestions” of holiday flair. (You may be sure that Etiquetteer will have on a Perfectly Proper Christmas bow tie when the time comes.) If there’s a theme dress code (e.g. “Holiday colors” or “Ugly sweater”), accommodate as much as you feel comfortable.

No more than one drink. Really! The stereotype of the drunk coworker is well known in American life, and there’s a reason: it really happens. Dorothy Parker’s witticism “One more drink and I’ll be under the host” takes on alarming connotations when your host is the CEO of your company or, worse, your boss. Remember the wise words of Billie Holliday in “God Bless the Child:” “You can help yourself, but don’t take too much.”

Don’t drink and dash. Holiday parties come in all sizes and formats, but it’s best not to leave until after the remarks or, if a meal is served, after dessert. This isn’t always possible, of course. Alert your supervisor in advance if you really can’t avoid leaving earlier.

A toast! Sometimes at these gatherings a speaker will call for a toast in honor of a company leader, or even of the entire staff, as a salute for a job well done. It’s still Bad Form not to drink a toast. But the old supersition about drinking a toast with water bringing bad luck has been swept away with greater sensibility about Alcohol Abuse. Don’t let anyone force alcohol on you, but be sure to have a glass of sparkling water on hand (perhaps with a festive shot of cranberry juice in it). And no clinking of glasses, please. When standing around in large groups, all that’s needed is to raise the glass, repeat the toast (“To us!”) or reply “Hear hear!” and take a sip. Etiquetteer still remembers this commercial from childhood, but it is Not How Things Are Done.

Thank the organizer(s). Gatherings like this can be a lot of work for little acknowledgement. Etiquetteer encourages you to find out who Made Things Happen and thank them, either in person at the party or later by Lovely Note or email. Your expression of gratitude will go a long way.

Finally, don’t be that guy trying to be all creepy-kissy about getting someone under the mistletoe. Seriously, don’t be that guy.

Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Holiday Party at the office.

Holiday Un-Invitations, Vol. 17, Issue 62

Dear Etiquetteer:

I hope you can help me with a quandary. For a decade or more, my housemate and I have held a New Year's Eve Open House. We send out 150 or more invitations to people from all aspects of our lives, and often have eighty to a hundred people stop by to celebrate the turning year.

This year we have decided against the New Year's Open House. We are, however, planning a separate theme party in February, whose invitee list will include most of the folks usually invited to New Year's Eve.

We know of many people who 'count on' attending our New Year's Eve event. Is there an appropriate way to inform people about a party that is not happening? Should we send out the February invites early, say in December, as a signal that the New Year's event is not occurring? If so, should an early invite to the February party mention that we will not be holding the New Year's Eve party?

Please advise how to handle this celebration conundrum.

Dear Open Housing:

What you are thinking of is the un-invitation, which comes up more often than you’d think. Etiquetteer has responded to queries about how to tell guests not to expect an invitation before, and you’ll note that while guests should not assume that there’s a party without an invitation, it’s not a bad thing to “control one’s narrative.”

Your query leaves Etiquetteer concerned, though. If both guest lists completely overlapped, there would be no difficulty in a message like “We wanted to let you know that instead of our New Year’s Eve open house we’re looking forward to welcoming you all to a Separate Theme Party in February. Stay tuned for an invitation in January!” But including information about a party for those who Aren’t Invited is not Perfectly Proper and likely to leave them feeling slighted. In that case, it would be more circumspect to send two messages: an un-invitation to your New Year’s list and a save-the-date to your Separate Theme Party list.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your housemate Joy in your preparations!

Holiday Gift-Giving from a Distance, Vol. 17, Issue 61

Dear Etiquetteer:

So, what’s the proper way to send gifts to people who live states away that you won’t see for the holidays? What I really mean is whether or not to wrap the present and then ship the wrapped present (which you have to put in another brown box before shipping).

Dear States Away:

Whatever you decide, if you’re shopping for Christmas and you want your gifts to arrive before December 25, get started NOW. Everyone knows that the Most Wonderful Time of the Year is also the Busiest Time of Year for the United States Postal Service and all the other delivery services. The closer you get to Christmas, the chance of your package(s) arriving in time decreases and the risk of them Getting Lost or Damaged in the Shuffle increases. And a lost or damaged package increases the risk of Lapses in Perfect Propriety. The USPS deadline for first-class and priority mail is December 20, but why wait until then? Don’t delay!

Now Etiquetteer is One of Those People who believe in the element of Surprise at the holidays. So wrapping a gift before mailing it helps keep a gift a surprise. If you’re no good at wrapping a gift perfectly - and let’s face it, That Mr. Dimmick fails on that account every year - at least add a ribbon or a bow to make an effort toward Perfect Festivity. If you’re ordering from a catalog, often they charge extra to gift-wrap purchases. Consult your overall budget before making that decision. If you can, it’s a Perfectly Proper touch.

In the 21st century, with so many opportunities for instant communication, it’s helpful to let your gift recipients know that they should expect a package from you, and with the instruction that wrapped gifts “are not to be opened until December 25.”

Etiquetteer also believes that it’s Good Manners not to let gift recipients know how much you spent. When mailing a package yourself, you have much more assurance that the gift is wrapped without the receipt. Opinion is sharply divided on this subject, as so very many people want to provide gift receipts to guard against the Need for Exchange. Etiquetteer doesn’t really like it, but does have to acknowledge that a gift receipt often helps when gifts are given at a distance.

Lastly, and you probably already know this, if you’re sending a breakable gift, don’t skimp on the stuffing. Whether you prefer actual popcorn, Styrofoam peanuts, or traditional excelsior, pack your breakable gift with plenty of it both in the gift box and the shipping box.

Etiquetteer wishes you success and timely delivery in your efforts to spread the Spirit of the Holiday of Your Choice to Absent Friends!

Joan Crawford on Entertaining, Vol. 17, Issue 60

Earlier this week three or four friends referred Etiquetteer to the latest Joan Crawford meme (see above). This time, for a refreshing change, the subject isn’t child abuse, bad behavior, or Bette Davis, but entertaining at home. And vodka. In fact the part of this meme that seems to have captivated most people is the last two sentences: “Another important party secret is I always add a splash of vodka to everything. Nobody ever knows and everyone ends up having a wonderful time.”

Etiquetteer recognized the first part of this lengthy quotation. It comes from La Crawford’s book My Way of Life, which really lets you into the rarefied state of mind she inhabited in her last decade. Her advice on how to assemble a group of party guests, “The best parties are a wild mixture of people,” comes in Chapter IV, “The Pleasure of Company.” Unfortunately, it does not include advice on the Secret Omnipresence of Vodka! Which just goes to show, once again, that just because something is on the Internet doesn’t make it true. (If you have an original source for Joan Crawford saying it, please send it to Etiquetteer at once. And no, Tumblr isn’t an original source.)

“So, what about Joan Crawford’s party advice,” you might ask. “Is it any good? Does it hold up in the 21st century, Etiquetteer?” For the most part, yes. Much of this chapter is the typical advice for a Perfectly Proper party: plan well and plan well in advance, hire help if you can afford it, keep the hot food hot and the cold food cold, don’t always serve the same foods to the same people, etc. For Joan, twelve was the best number for a dinner party. One unexpected gem came from her good friend William Haines: you can move the party from one room in your house to another, but not from one place to another. She also suggests how to plan so that one of the helpers can tidy in the living room while everyone is serving themselves in the dining room by emptying ashtrays and clearing empty glasses. Etiquetteer doesn’t know about you, but has very rarely been to a party in the last ten years at which ashtrays were even required.

She also suggests “rehearsing” your outfit. “Whether you’re having only six for dinner or fifty for cocktails, wear a lovely gown. A hotess has earned the right to look special. When all the other ladies wear short skirts, she can look smashing in a long one, or in hostess pajamas. She can sparkle, glitter, and greet her guests in a riot of color. It’s her special privilege.”

While that whole “splash of vodka” thing is amusing, Etiquetteer has to be very stern in advising you against it. Aside from those who are recovering from addiction or have medical reasons to avoid alcohol (and you may not know), you never know who might be subject to random drug testing because of their careers (and you may not know). Etiquetteer must urge you not to take the chance.

Returning to Joan’s original advice about mixing up the generations - it’s wonderful, and you should do it. One has older friends for wisdom, good stories, and good humor, and one has young friends for freshness, originality, and good humor. Whoever created this meme, however, has totally dissed the sciences. In the book, the sentence ends “. . . a hairdresser, a professor of physics, toss them all together, and try to get them to stop talking long enough to eat!” Academics make very entertaining guests, and should always be included!

And with that, Etiquetteer will conclude with the words of the late Mame Dennis, “Then we’ll just add water and stir.”

Ending Gift-Giving for Children, Vol. 17, Issue 59

Dear Etiquetteer:

Many years ago my siblings and I mutually decided to stop exchanging gifts with one another and only give to the children. The oldest of these children is now married with children of his own and the youngest is in her mid-teens. It has been quite some time since I’ve been able to find gifts that amuse or delight them. I see them five or six times a year and they are only interested in electronic gizmos. They are not at all interested in books, which is my moderately priced gift of choice. So I have fallen into giving them some candy and money, which they thank me for but don’t really seem to care about.

When and how do I end gift giving? Do I discuss it with my nephews and nieces or with their parents? It seems a much more awkward conversation than when my siblings discontinued gift giving, because here the giving is only going in one direction.

Thank you for your consideration of this matter. I wish you a most happy Thanksgiving Day!

Dear Auntie:

Every family needs to handle gift-giving in the way that works for that particular family. Since your family has focused gift-giving on children, and adulthood in the United States is conferred with the right to vote at at age 18, why not present a final gift at the holiday before the child’s 18th birthday? As long as you can do this without a “This is your very last Christmas gift for me!” kind of message, it should be fine.

For your teen nephews and nieces, you need to consult with your siblings about what their children do and don’t like. Etiquetteer feels sure there’s something more to their desires than electronics. You may also want to consider the gift of an experience with you, whether that’s a live performance, a museum visit, a sports outing, or something similar.

So much of this depends on the kind of relationship you want to have with your nieces and nephews beyond the mere giving of gifts. Eventually they will be adults, and you’ll be able to maintain relationships with them without having to go through their parents. This could turn out to be rich and rewarding for both of you, especially as interests in the wider world become more prominent after puberty. Etiquetteer believes that attention given to children and teens is appreciated, even if they don’t express obvious gratitude. (Nieces and nephews of the world - is this true? Let Etiquetteer know what you think with a quick message.) While one-sided relationships often feel unrewarding, in this case Etiquetteer encourages you not to throw in the towel just yet.

When Etiquetteer first read your query the first thing to spring to mind was the Christmas card of the little Edwardian girl praying by her stocking “Dear God, Please no more educational toys!" One gift (whether they care for it or not) to consider is stationery. (Etiquetteer can just see his own nephews and niece reacting to this . . .)

Etiquetteer wishes you confidence and contentment as you approach the Holiday of Your Choice. Please do write back to let Etiquetteer know what happened.

If you’re casting around for some good gift-giving ideas that will promote Perfect Propriety, check out Etiquetteer’s 2018 holiday gift guide. If drinking gin is more your style, then reserve your tickets now for Etiquetteer’s Repeal Day Celebration at the Gibson House Museum on Friday, December 7!

A Special Thanksgiving Message for the Readers of Etiquetteer

Dear Readers:

This Thanksgiving, Etiquetteer wants to express gratitude to you, not just for your interest in what Etiquetteer has to say, but in Perfect Propriety in general and in a world in which good manners don’t just make a difference, but are valued.

Hard to believe, but Etiquetteer will be 18 years old in less than three months! This journey would not have been possible without your engagement. After, all, what good is an advice columnist if no one is asking for advice? Thank you for your thoughtful questions, interesting insights, and sometimes absorbing commentary on social media. Thank you, too, for introducing other friends to Etiquetteer! There’s infinite space at the Etiquetteer party for more seekers of Perfect Propriety.

For this Thanksgiving, Etiquetteer wishes you joy gathering with those you love around a festive table with enough forks, your favorite recipes, successful avoidance of hot-button topics, jokes that make it hurt to laugh, and affection given and received.

Yours gratefully,

Etiquetteer

Etiquetteer's 2018 Holiday Gift Guide

Etiquetteer always likes to cast about for a few gift suggestions that will promote Perfect Propriety in one form or another. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this year’s gift guide is weighted heavily toward books and stationery. But you’ll find other items of interest in the And More! section at the bottom.

STATIONERY

Who doesn’t love Jacqueline Kennedy, one of America’s most iconic First Ladies? Jake Gariepy at Dapper and Dreamy is a big fan, and he’s created beautiful notecards featuring ensembles from her official wardrobe. Set of eight different notecards for $20. Be sure to check out his other Jackie and White House designs, too!

For the horticulturalist in your life, or just your favorite flower child, consider this boxed set of four wildflower notecards from photographer Thomas S. Robinson at Zoomdak. $14.99 per box.

Good design marries vintage in these severely beautiful notecards from Crane featuring the famous Airstream camper. $24 per box of ten.

Place cards help with every dinner - people really do want to know there’s a place for them - and Etiquetteer finds these Audubon flamingo place cards from Caspari quite charming. $4.50 per set of eight.

BOOKS

One of the best reads this year for Perfect Propriety is Joseph Esposito’s Dinner in Camelot. His account of President and Mrs. Kennedy’s unprecedented (and Perfectly Proper) 1962 dinner for Nobel laureates recaptures an historic moment to which we must find a way to return. Read Etiquetteer’s review here.

Etiquetteer has admired the no-holds-barred work of Amy Alkon ever since her book Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck. Her newest book, UnF*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence, promises to be a breathtaking followup as she drives the self-help car through the intersection of etiquette and science.

Etiquetteer loved the rowdiness of Brunch Is Hell by Brendan Newnam and Rico Gagliano (read Etiquetteer’s review here), and it will make a wonderful gift for those who want to dip their toes into the waters of home entertaining but may be hung up on Perfection. (Please note: Perfection is different from Perfect Propriety.)

Of course the big event in the etiquette world is the release of the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette, lovingly updated by her great-great-grandchildren Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning. There’s no more Perfectly Proper gift for Those Who Are Getting Started as Grownups (e.g. graduates, newlyweds, and first-time home buyers). Check out their Awesome Etiquette podcast, too.

James Sherwood’s new book Jewelry for Gentlemen promises to please your peacocky pals. Read an excellent interview with the author by The Jewellery Editor. But remember the famous advice of the late Coco Chanel: put on everything you think is right, and then take one piece off.

For fans of Golden Age Hollywood, the hot new read is Seduction: Sex, Lies, and Stardom in Howard Hughes’s Hollywood by renowned “You Must Remember This” podcaster Karina Longworth. Etiquetteer is more than a little in love with the podcast, so of course the book will be riveting. We already know that Howard Hughes was NOT so Perfectly Proper with the ladies . . .

And for those who love to celebrate bad behavior - and you know who you are - there’s Ruth Goodman’s How to Behave Badly in Elizabethan England: A Guide for Knaves, Fools, Harlots, Cuckolds, Drunkards, Liars, Thieves, and Braggarts. What a romp! “The author has a wicked taste for the objectionable and the wit to deliver it in a wholly enjoyable, even educational way,” according to Kirkus. Readers will enjoy finding 21st-century parallels and Tudor and Stuart English (bad) manners.

Last but far from least in the book category we have Drinking Like Ladies, a must-have for mixologists and those who love them. Misty Kalkofen and Kirsten Amann have assembled a mouth-watering lineup of drinks for that special hour between 5 and 7 PM. Just remember to keep your pinkies in.

AND MORE!

For something unique, especially for those who have recently purchased a new home, consider a custom house portrait by Jake Gariepy over at Dapper and Dreamy. You can be sure that no one else will have thought of it!

If you know someone who likes novelty and is also so stressed they’re clawing the ceiling, consider Honor Bath Tea from Sand Creek Restoratives. Etiquetteer, who still hasn’t scheduled that tour of Japenese onsen, was fascinated to see how Sand Creek has taken the traditional basic salt-and-soda bath to another level by adding a combination of herbs to it. $8 per sachet, and Sand Creek gladly donates 20% of all profits from this product to Project K-9 Hero.

In great-grandma’s day, a lady’s evening bag didn’t need to have anything in it but a hankie, a housekey, and “mad money” for a taxi (if needed). These days a smartphone serves for the latter, but too many ladies don’t consider the former. Bumblebee Linens offers a charming selection of handkerchiefs for ladies, and Etiquetteer is especially charmed by those embroidered in color. Prices vary.

Certainly we hear a lot more about politics than hitherto, so for the political gentleman in your life, consider the Preambler Bow Tie from Etiquetteer’s beloved Beau Ties Ltd. $55.

The holidays bring out sweets almost as much as Hallowe’en does, including some delicious old-fashioned favorites. Coconut bonbons from the Vermont Country Store may be enjoyed not only between the courses of a dinner party, but also in bed while wearing your favorite marabou-trimmed peignoir. $15.90.

Finally, because so many good things conclude with chocolate, Etiquetteer feels compelled to recommend the chocolate snowmen of Burdick’s Chocolates. A luxurious grace note for any holiday function! Box of nine for $40.

Hospitality, Vol. 17, Issue 58

Dear Etiquetteer:

With the holiday season almost nigh, it’s time to consider how best to reciprocate the hospitality I have regularly received from my local social circle over time. I was raised that hospitality begets hospitality according to one’s reasonable means and abilities, and I’d regret to see that sensibility entirely wither as generations evolve. But with the difficulties of gathering people to places and at times that might not be congenial to their ability to receive hospitality, how might a socially considerate person continue to grow the virtuous circle of hospitality without too many bilateral games of social Twister?

Dear Hopeful Host:

So . . . you’re saying that you want to have a holiday party to repay social obligations, but it’s tough to get everyone in a group to show up at the same time and place, yes? And that it’s doubly difficult if the place (for instance, your home) isn’t convenient.

Once upon a time, the occasion came first, and the guest list formed around it. Now it’s the guest list that comes first, and occasion is accommodated so that no one misses it - no matter how tortured that accommodation gets. Somehow Etiquetteer can’t find the charm in scheduling a party via Doodle. Etiquetteer wants to encourage you to keep sending those invitations whether or not everyone on your guest list can participate! Giving In just isn’t an option, and not being able to accept an invitation is still better than not getting an invitation at all. Persevere!

Etiquetteer commends your thoughtfulness in wanting to create an occasion that will actually feel like Hospitality and not like an Obligation. Gathering a Defined Guest List at one time, especially during the holidays, will always be a moving target. Gathering them at a Place of Mutual Convenience, however, is easier. Here we see the beauty of entertaining in restaurants, whether they have private dining rooms or not. As long as you’re picking up the entire check, restaurant entertaining is no different from entertaining at home (except that you have a staff working for you). You’ll need to make it clear that it is your party by adding to your invitation “as my guest” after the location.

Dorothy Draper, in her delightfully frivolous book Entertaining Is Fun!, included some rather fanciful ideas about how to host a dinner in a restaurant. Visiting the restaurant in advance to reserve a table and meet with the manager or maître d’ is very wise. Picking out the exact table is borderline. Telling them what table linens and flowers to use is, in this century, out of bounds (unless you’re supplying them yourself and you’re in a private dining room with no other diners; otherwise it would be ostentatious in the extreme).

That said, there’s no reason not to bring some small souvenirs to decorate the table that your guests might take with them. Etiquetteer still has a flower power Rubik’s cube from a birthday luncheon years ago, not more than a cubic inch, but a happy memory. And it will not surprise you that Etiquetteer recommends placecards.

Dorothy Draper also recommends ordering the entire meal in advance; certainly it saves time. Etiquetteer loves how often she uses the phrase “superlatively well” throughout the book, especially about food. “Find out if [the chef] has not a dish that he makes superlatively.” But in this century, when attention to food allergies and dietary restrictions has become almost a religion and an Inquisition in one, you could easily run into trouble. Let’s face it, restaurant parties that aren’t Dutch treat are no longer the norm. While guests are still more likely to eat what you serve them at home without question, the practice of ordering what you want in a restaurant is so ingrained that it might throw some of your guests for a loop.

You might ask the manager if there are menus without prices for your guests. Once upon a time these were called “ladies menus” because the gentleman always paid. (This is the source of the consideration “A lady always orders from the middle of the menu.”)

Another solution, while far less orthodox, could be to give your party at the home of another friend if it’s a Location of Mutual Convenience. But it would have to be a good friend!

Etiquetteer wishes you happiness as you fulfill your social obligations in a way that everyone will enjoy.

Minimizing Interruptions, Vol. 17, Issue 57

Dear Etiquetteer:

Why do people interrupt when we are relaying a story? It seems after a few sentences in, it reminds them of something similar that happened to them and they have to tell it right then and not let you finish your story. Or they interrupt and finish my story! It has become so common that I often don't continue with my story after they are finished and rarely do they ask about the ending. Or if they have guessed about my story ending, I say yes or no, or “That is not what I was going to say” or “Guess again” or some other attempt to be funny but get the point across.

Dear Interrupted:

Interrupters interrupt out of enthusiasm (at least that’s the most benevolent explanation), impatience, and/or egotism (that’s the least benevolent explanation). Etiquetteer, lo these many years, has been looking daggers at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who has a terrible habit of interrupting others either to supply “the right word” or to speed things along. He never seems to understand that people need to tell their stories in their own way in their own time.

Someone wise once said to Etiquetteer that people take advantage of us as much as we allow. The time has come for you to stop allowing people to interrupt you. Like Congresswoman Maxine Waters, you need to “reclaim your time!”

There are a few different methods; experiment with what feels most comfortable (or least uncomfortable) to you.

• The Plough: When in the midst of a story and a companion interrupts for what might be a long time, just don’t stop talking. Continue telling your story. Raise your voice slightly if necessary to make the point that you have the floor and will not relinquish it.

• The Reverse: When interrupted, after collecting yourself, interrupt right back. “No, it’s actually a little different from the way you’re telling it. Now, back to me . . . “

• The Call Out: Just ask your interrupter point blank, “Are you interrupting me? Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn when I’m finished.”

• The Silent Treatment: Remain completely silent even after your interrupter has finished, and perhaps after all conversation has ceased. Focus your Steely Gaze on the interrupter. If someone asks you a question, respond with “Oh, am I allowed to talk again?” This will, of course, lead to a Big Discussion in which no one may wish to participate. Just be advised. In fact, let’s modify that to use less sarcasm. Sarcasm doesn’t do much good in social situations except on television.

All these might need to be accompanied by hand gestures.

From your query Etiquetteer picks up that there might be some Habitual Offenders in your life. You need to talk about this with them one on one, away from other people. Tell them you think they might be unaware of their behavior, but that you are, that it feels disrespectful, and that it needs to stop. Believe it or not, not all interrupters are aware of how often they steal the floor from others. And after you’ve had that conversation, stand up for yourself by using one of those methods above. Etiquetteer wishes you uninterrupted success in future conversations!

Table Manners, Holiday Cards, and Clothing for Congress, Vol. 17, Issue 56

Dear Etiquetteer:

At a recent luncheon for a large group of retirees, a lady across the table from me was confronted with her dessert cup of fresh fruit, atop which perched a strawberry unshorn of its leaves. She inquired of us in general as to whether it was polite to pick up the fruit in her fingers and pluck off the leaves by hand. We all agreed and thus the problem was solved by crowd-sourcing the solution. Those who faced similar dessert challenges joined her, thus creating social harmony. There was no silver (or plastic) strawberry huller implement provided.

At the same luncheon I saw the gentleman seated next to me spear his dinner roll with his fork. Comments?

Dear Lunching:

Indeed, strawberries may be eaten with Perfect Propriety with or without their leaves, but at a formal luncheon like the one you attended, they are most properly eaten with a dessert fork and/or spoon and not with the fingers. Etiquetteer tends to avoid this dilemma by hulling the strawberries before serving them. But there are chefs who like to have that one berry with its leaves to serve as a garnish.

Your mention of strawberries reminded Etiquetteer that Emily Post’s great-great-grandchildren covered a very similar question in episode 192 of their Awesome Etiquette podcast. They also kindly shared Etiquetteer’s response in episode 198!

As for the gentleman spearing his roll on a fork, no, that is NOT Perfectly Proper. A roll is properly broken by hand and buttered one piece at a time before being eaten. Your comment gives Etiquetteer the chance to advocate for the return of the soft roll, particularly the famous Parker House roll. Some of the baseball-sized rolls you find in a bread basket these days are as hard as baseballs, too! Get into a fight with those and you might lose a fingernail or a tooth. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers years ago reading something about round French rolls so hard that the custom was to soak them in red wine as part of a picnic lunch. Frankly, that just sounds like too much work. Let’s lead a renaissance of the soft roll so we can get back to having real conversation at the table and not just talk about the food!

In other news, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away, which means that the Season of Holiday Cards is shortly to begin. In the time remaining, Etiquetteer encourages you to start verifying the addresses on your list. There’s nothing like getting stack of return-to-sender envelopes; Etiquetteer even got one one year marked “They haven’t lived here in ten years!” So let your list check be your “ounce of prevention” for the Holiday Season really kicks off.

Finally, Etiquetteer was most interested in this article about how the results of the midterm election yesterday could change the Congressional dress code. While the traditional uniform for men is unlikely to change, it was suggested that Republican men are likely to retain the red “power tie.” But with record numbers of women being elected to Congress, this reporter noted the absence of the color pink, the reduced presence of the traditional string of cultured pearls, and what might seem to be the demise of the pantsuit for women. Let’s check in after the lame duck session to see what’s what.

Election Day 2018

Etiquetteer voted early today. While many people take advantage of early or absentee voting (and Etiquetteer would not dream of denying them), Etiquetteer values the community aspect of voting on Election Day, the image of a nation coming together to express its (albeit divided and clamorous) voice.

Happily no divided or clamorous voices were raised at Etiquetteer’s polling place! Everyone behaved in an orderly way, nor did Etiquetteer see any Overtly Partisan Apparel. When you vote today (when, not if!) be sure to thank the poll workers for their service.

Floating in the halls of the polling place, clearly abandoned from a birthday the day before, this balloon surely didn’t get to vote, but expressed a positive message. Etiquetteer remains buoyed with hope as a a result.

What to Wear to the Polls in 2018, Vol. 17, Issue 55

Election Day is tomorrow, and Etiquetteer had occasion to go back to advice offered in 2008 after a Pennsylvania court case involving whether or not T-shirts with political messages were appropriate free speech in a polling place. Ten years later, it turns out that the Supreme Court struck down a related Minnesota law (which, it’s worth noting, had never been challenged in the century it was on the books). But here’s the thing: the opinion of the Court issued by Chief Justice John Roberts “[called] the state's effort to make polling places less clamorous admirable.” [Emphasis Etiquetteer’s.]

Yes, we need less clamor and more focus at the polls! Keep all the messaging and electioneering outside the polling place within that legally mandated radius, and let the atmosphere around the voting booths be as conducive to calm, decisive reflection as possible.

It will not surprise you that Etiquetteer thinks more respect could be shown for the voting process, and for the right to vote in the first place, by dressing in one’s best. Etiquetteer’s advice from 2008 still stands: by all means express your beliefs and preferences in what you wear, but keep it to accessories like buttons and ribbons rather than clothing like T-shirts and caps. And if you choose, dress in all the national colors of red, white, and blue!

Social Sabotage, Vol. 17, Issue 54

Dear Etiquetteer:

Boy do I have a story for you. A few weeks ago I planned a hangout with a few friends. I made a Facebook event and everyone confirmed they were coming and I had a time and a location set. I write that the exact event details are TBD.

The event day finally comes and my afternoon goes from 0-1000 real fast. I receive a group message with eight other people in it. They are all asking about what’s happening? Because I am at work and don't have my phone on me all the time, I look at my phone and I have 30 messages all from this group message. I read it and catch myself up and what I am seeing is unbelievable. One individual is trying to change the entire event and complaining I never gave any more details about the time and location of the event. This person accepted the invitation so I don't understand. She gets six other people on board saying they agree this event was poorly planned and that they are going to completely change the event and time and location!

I had messaged her and said what can I help with, I see there is confusion. And she said "not to step on your toes, but you never gave us any more information". She is already singling me out in front of eight other people in this message and I already feel hurt that they want to completely change this event. She continues to say "not trying to cause any drama but you weren't clear and I don't want to drive all the way into town."

After all of this I end up having a great night, and then find out that she is mad to see a video that's posted of us all laughing and having fun on social media. She said “It's not cool to see your friends laughing at you even though I tried my hardest trying to get there . . ." She didn't try at all and we weren't even laughing at her while she was there. We were laughing at a joke someone said and I just so happen to post the video where we were all laughing. UGH!!

I learned never to plan something again with these kinds of people or her because she can never be satisfied. She was spoiled her whole life. Why do I even associate myself with them??

Dear Sabotaged:

Whoa! So much drama! Few things are as embarrassing as being publicly shamed, even by group text. And especially when you’re a group organizer who just wants to get everyone together to have a good time. Etiquetteer commends you for persevering and not letting this situation “harsh your buzz.” Part of being a good host or hostess is Carrying On Like Nothing Is Wrong after a crisis.

Another part of being a good host or hostess is making sure your guests have all the information they need. This problem could have been nipped in the bud with a reminder message the night before with the “exact event details” that you first announced were only “TBD.” You established a time and place, but at least as far as Etiquetteer can see, not the activity. “Hang out” covers a lot of options, from lounging in a bar or coffee shop (or someone’s home) to a meal to going to the movies to mini-golf to and escape room to . . . who knows what. All those things involve different amounts of money, time, and maybe wardrobe. “Girls just wanna have fun,” as Cyndi Lauper taught us, but they also want to know how.*

it sounds like your friend panicked. And no, Etiquetteer doesn’t approve of how she handled it. Shaming by group text is not Perfectly Proper. Trying to change what has already been established and accepted (the time and place) because other details haven’t been announced is not Perfectly Proper. Sarcastic comments on social media are not Perfectly Proper (and only serve to make her look self-centered and petty).

Moving forward, you need to heal the breach with this friend by acknowledging that you should have had more information out about your plans in advance, but that trying to change all the arrangements to suit herself at the 11th hour isn’t the best solution. Etiquetteer also know that you’ll be more careful in the future not only about how you invite friends to group activities, but also how much information you share in advance. Good luck, and have a Perfectly Proper Good Time!

*Particularly if it’s a movie. If you know it’s going to be a movie you won’t be able to stand, being able to back out gracefully in advance is key.

Hallowe'en Greetings, Vol. 17, Issue 53

Etiquetteer wishes you all a safe, happy, and Perfectly Proper Hallowe'en.

Etiquetteer, along with Weeping Baby Pumpkin Head II and Weeping Baby Pumpkin Head III, would like to wish you a safe, happy, and Perfectly Proper Hallowe’en!

Trick-or-treating is a joyous annual ritual for millions of people - especially, of course, children - but there are adults who simply don’t care for it and would like to avoid it altogether. If you’re one of those adults, the most Perfectly Proper way to avoid trick-or-treating is simply not to be at home. Treat yourself to a Nice Dinner someplace that doesn’t have pumpkin on the menu, and go home after 9:00 PM, when all the hoopla seems to have died down.

If that’s not an option, the most Perfectly Proper thing to do is to be sure your house is completely dark from the outside. Turn off all those outdoor lights, and not one little sliver of light must escape from any window. Use blackout drapes if necessary. Put in your headphones and listen to some scary music. All your efforts will still lead the occasional trick-or-treater to ring your doorbell. Whatever you do, DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR! Etiquetteer promises they will eventually go away.

For those of you who know Etiquetteer exceptionally well, Hallowe’en also marks the sad anniversary of the demise of Weeping Baby Pumpkin Head I. Etiquetteer is so grateful to the two generous benefactors who brought Weeping Baby Pumpkin Heads II and III into the Etiquetteer universe. Their identities will be kept secret to protect them from the hordes of pumpkin-haters.

A Neighbor Lashes Out!

Etiquetteer was so sad to see this on a telephone pole the other day, because of the theft.

Manicured Men and Boys - and What to Do About Them, Vol. 17, Issue 52

The short answer is, you don’t do anything about it if you don’t like. Now read on for more; Etiquetteer is exercised.

There is no one crueler than a child. There is no one crueler than a child. The teasing and taunting that goes along with school days is, so far, an insoluble problem in the human condition. So Etiquetteer was deeply disturbed to read yesterday about the experience of kindergartner Sam Gouveia, mercilessly taunted for his bright red nail polish. This was entirely unnecessary and should not have happened. The taunting, that is!

So let’s talk about manicured nails for men, and how we react to other people. The latter is really more important, so let’s get the nails out of the way first.

There’s a long history of men getting manicures and pedicures, and there’s nothing wrong with that. “A man’s hands are his business card,” and they should be maintained to look Perfectly Proper, whether he does it himself or has a manicurist do it. This is not just clipping one’s nails and filing down the rough spots, but also grooming cuticles and buffing.

Nail polish for men has had less universal acceptance, to put it mildly. A man’s hands may be his business cards, but that doesn’t mean they should be the first thing one notices about him. Esquire Etiquette of 1953 makes the point “. . . if you can’t keep up with [cuticles], you ought to cultivate a manicurist. But don’t let her put polish on your nails! A good buffing is healthy, and the gloss added by a buffing powder is clean looking, but any and all sorts of liquid polish are apt to give you a scare once you step out into the harsh world beyond the barber shop.” Amy Vanderbilt agreed in 1963: “If he has his nails professionally manicured, they may be buffed but should never have any colored or even colorless polish applied.”

Why on earth this aversion to nail polish for men?! The association of cosmetics with femininity would account for colored polish, but wouldn’t clear polish be, well, clear? Clear polish manicures were not unknown - Etiquetteer likes this writer’s recall of his grandfather’s clear manicure - but somehow not considered Perfectly Proper, and vaguely associated with the underworld. Eddie Mars, the sharply-dressed gangster in Raymond Chandler’s The Big Sleep, gets called out for his clear polish, and fans of Barbra Streisand have already recalled her deathless lyric “Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein . . . he has polish on his nails!”*

Where does that leave us in 21st-century America? It leaves us in a nation of freedoms in which there is a lot more license to appear outside the norm than hitherto, and if you don’t like it, the most Perfectly Proper response is to hush your mouth. What someone else does with their nails (or hair, or anything) is none of your business. Avoid them if necessary, but keep your opinion to yourself.

***

Which brings us to what happened to Young Master Gouveia at kindergarten. His father Aaron Gouveia, who tweets at The Daddy Files, put it best: “My wife and I spent five years successfully preaching tolerance, acceptance, and the importance of expression and your kids unraveled that in one school day.” Let’s look at “the importance of expression.” Everything is new to children, and that means exploration and questions*. Unfortunately that often means swift criticism for something different and outside the norm. And like it or not, colored nails for men are still far outside the norm. And unfortunately, that created a Perfect Storm at kindergarten.

So that’s what happened. Taunting and bullying start to stop happening with Education and Example. Education at school, at one’s house of worship, and especially at home. Example from role models, parents above all others. Mr. Gouveia gets Etiquetteer’s vote for Father of the Year. His passionate defense of his son irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of another courageous father, Nils Pickert, who donned a skirt in solidarity with his own young son back in 2012. It can’t be easy, but it’s so important.

The unsung hero in all this is Young Master Gouveia’s one friend who stood up for him. How undervalued is simple loyalty! Etiquetteer salutes this young person, too.

Will bright red nails become the norm for men? Etiquetteer really doesn’t think so, but who knows?! Once it was unthinkable for a lady to go without stockings, or for the middle class to accept tattoos, but in the last 25 years both those things have become so standard they barely raise an eyebrow. In the meantime, Etiquetteer hopes it won’t take Young Master Gouveia two years to grow claws - Jungle Red!

*For the uninitiated, Nick Arnstein was a bit of a gangster.

**Etiquetteer will never forget innocently commuting home at the back of the bus one evening and being besieged by a class of eight-year-old students who had never seen a bow tie before. Etiquetteer had to demonstrate how to tie it right there on the bus.

"Smile!" or Not, Vol. 17, Issue 51

Dear Etiquetteer:

I need to find a way for people to stop telling me to smile in pictures. This is especially useless if it’s a picture I've already posted. It's rude. I think it's mostly about why we do or do not smile and having some degree of autonomy over our feelings and moods.

Dear Smiley:

Once upon a time no one smiled. Improvements in both photography and dentistry in the last 125 years or so have made smiling in photographs the undisputed fashion. It’s quite a contrast from previous centuries, when it took so long to record a daguerreotype. A smile could not be held that long a time.

Sometimes smiling seems insincere, but Etiquetteer doesn’t consider that anyone wants “autonomy over your feelings and moods.” They just want a photo that conforms to the Smiling Norm, irritating as that can feel.

You sometimes cannot get out of being in a photo. For instance, if one of your children is getting married, it would look really really bad if you showed up at the wedding and then refused to be in the family photographs - or appeared scowling or “looking daggers.” In those situations it’s not just Perfectly Proper but Absolutely Necessary to “put on your happy face.”

In the future, when you’re encouraged to smile in a photo, consider cultivating a Mona Lisa smile, which can convey a certain amount of pleasant mystery without baring your teeth. As to the occasional “Oh, I wish you’d smiled in that picture!” Etiquetteer encourages you to ignore it, or pass it off with a light witticism such as “I have my reputation as a misanthrope to consider” or “If I’m not careful they’ll cast me as Pollyanna.”

Queen Victoria as we are used to seeing her.

You might consider the example of three 19th-century ladies and how they handled photographers. Queen Victoria, famously “not amused,” never smiled in photographs because her children didn’t consider it dignified in her position. There are, however, a few photographs of her smiling - which proves to Etiquetteer that it made the Queen more special because of its rarity.

Queen Victoria sporting a smile at a great-grandchild. Too bad she couldn’t keep her eyes open at the same time.

The second, First Lady Julia Grant, would only allow herself to be photographed in profile because she had crossed eyes. Of course, profile portraits are not so fashionable now . . .

Finally, there’s Isabella Stewart Gardner, a wealthy and eccentric art collector whose wealth and eccentricity couldn’t mask her homely looks.

“Mrs. Jack” did what she could with veils, but was also known to cover her face with a fan or just a piece of paper if she didn’t feel like being photographed. Her friends understood and accommodated, even to the extent of photographing her from behind at dinner parties. There’s a marvelous photo on page 15 of Beauport: The Sleeper-McCann House of a costume dinner party. Mrs. Gardner, facing resolutely away, is only identified by the big Y on the back of her chair.

So you could, perhaps, carry a fan around in case you’re not willing to “turn that frown upside down.” That would certainly make a memorable photo!