Straw Hat Day, Vol. 15, Issue 31

Today is Straw Hat Day, the official day in 2016 for the gentlemen to retire their felt hats for the season and step out lively with their panamas or “skimmers,” the popular nickname for boater hats made famous in the 1890s and sustained today mostly by barber shop quartets. Nothing against barber shop quartets, but the skimmer needs to get out more.

To inspire you, here's a formal portrait of Etiquetteer, complete with skimmer, courtesy of JW Lenswerk.

Proper Dress for Graduates, Vol. 15, Issue 29

The season of Recognition of Educational Achievement is upon us, with high school musical ensembles across the nation rehearsing Pomp and Circumstance and the National Anthem, and Elaborate Concern about when to flip one's ring or tassel. While these affairs have become more Festivals of Applause than solemnities - somewhat to Etiquetteer's chagrin (but to harp on the point would mark Etiquetteer a killjoy, which is tedious) - their importance as a Rite of Passage has not been dimmed.

Etiquetteer does wish more graduates (and faculty, for that matter) would consider more carefully their complete appearance with cap and gown. Especially, Etiquetteer would like to advise young ladies to consider their shoes more carefully. Appearing in a lengthy academic procession in high heels of four or more inches, in which your body and face look like bamboo shoots are being driven into your toes with every step - well, people are not focused on you but on your shoes. Indeed, it may lead people to question just how well you've been educated. You deserve not to be upstaged by your own shoes! There is no shame in kitten heels. But if you must wear Heels That High, practice walking in them a lot to keep yourself from falling over or looking like you might. Look at this poor girl:

Etiquetteer also looks suspiciously on young gentlemen who are quite obviously not wearing a shirt and tie under their academic gowns. A T-shirt on an occasion of this importance does not show you at your best advantage, nor do jeans or ragged corduroys with athletic shoes poking out at the bottom. A graduation is an Occasion and it, and you, deserve to be treated with respect. Dress up!

So often, especially at college graduations, one sees elaborate decorations on mortarboards. Etiquetteer knows better than to condemn this - it's not just established, it's a beloved tradition - but it would be lovely for these not to be so elaborate that they block the view of those sitting behind them.

And with all that said, Class of 2016, get busy and change the world - in a good way.

Perfect Propriety in Summer, Vol. 15, Issue 27

Once upon a summer day Etiquetteer observed (discreetly -  it's not polite to stare) a family of four on the subway during the morning rush hour. The father wore a khaki-colored twill suit with a shirt and necktie; the mother, a two-piece navy suit with simple silk blouse, unobtrusive hose, and appropriate flat shoes (read: not athletic shoes). Their little girl, who must have been four or five, had on a clean and simple playdress. Etiquetteer can't really remember what their infant wore in his or her stroller, alas. And the thought suddenly came to Etiquetteer that, only a generation ago, that young family wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. Now, they're considered "all dressed up."

Don't fret! Etiquetteer is not about to make everyone climb back into layers and layers of clothing during the long hot summer. (Though it is interesting to observe how many people, especially ladies, carry sweaters with them in summer because of the arctic air-conditioning of so many public buildings.) Etiquetteer always remembers the words of Ellen Maury Slayden, who wrote in her diary August 3, 1914: "Last Friday the mercury went to 106 degrees ... When I was married [in 1883], returning to Texas early in September, I wore a suit of golden brown camel's hair buttoned up to my chin and finished with a stiff linen collar. I wonder I didn't go mad and run amuck."*

Etiquetteer certainly doesn't want anyone going mad and running amuck, but Etiquetteer does wish more people would consider how they present themselves with today's layers. How much skin is too much? When does "casual" turn into "sloppy?" The question of how much exposure is too much is a legitimate question, one that American tourists abroad have to take into account when visiting churches. During the summer, especially, there's such a temptation to fling on a T-shirt and pair of shorts with a pair of flip flops without caring what impression it makes. The impression it makes in churches overseas is one of Flagrant Disrespect, and tourists will be prohibited if they expose too much of their persons.

Etiquetteer observed this admonition against Sartorial Brevity at the Church of the Gesuiti in Venice in 2013.

Etiquetteer observed this admonition against Sartorial Brevity at the Church of the Gesuiti in Venice in 2013.

That said, Etiquetteer is at least glad that the trend for men is finally away from the Dreadful Knee-Eclipsing Cargo Shorts and more toward Crisp Tailored Shorts with a four- or six-inch hem. This has much less to do with showing more leg than it does with the fact that no matter how one took care of cargo shorts, they never looked pressed.

Ladies with long hair, too, are so tempted with the quick convenience of a scrunchie, not realizing or caring that the backs of their heads may look like cow patties garnished with straw.

So, what are Etiquetteer's guidelines for Perfect Propriety in Summer?

  • Prepare for perspiration. Aside from your usual toiletries, talcum powder makes this more endurable, and preserves the appearance of you and your clothes for longer in the day.
  • Your summer clothes should show no rips or tears, spots or stains. Favorite clothes that have decayed to rags Etiquetteer will permit only at the beach.** And clothes that have been fashionably cut into rags, such as T-shirts sliced into fringe and beaded, are never Perfectly Proper.
  • For the most part, your body and your undergarments (if any; don't call attention to their presence or absence) should not be visible between neckline and hemline. There's a greater risk for what is vulgarly termed "plumber's crack" during the summer; guard against this! You don't want to hear someone break into Blue Moon behind your back. The shirt you choose, whether T-shirt, polo, or buttondown, should be able to tuck securely into your trousers - whether you tuck it or not. (You should tuck it.) Ladies have a bit more leeway with halter tops and such like, of course, but bikini tops are a big no-no in the city.
  • Etiquetteer doesn't find tank tops or cami tops Perfectly Proper for town and city wear. Certainly they make an impression, but is it the one you want to make? Take a long honest look in the mirror.
  • If there are belt loops, wear a belt.
  • Linen remains a favored summer fabric. Yes, it wrinkles like the very Devil, but keep ironing. Nothing makes such a beautiful impression as a crisp white linen ensemble.

While the Official Start of the Summer Season on Memorial Day is not yet here, it never hurts to Start Preparing Early. Etiquetteer hopes that you'll enjoy contemplating the Joys of Summer - and what to wear to enjoy them - in the intervening weeks.

*From Washington Wife, Journal of Ellen Maury Slayden from 1897 - 1919.

**Indeed, Etiquetteer's very favorite old panama sustained a gash down the front of the crown, so it's only fit for the beach. But it feels like an old friend coming to visit when Etiquetteer puts it on.

Etiquetteer Comments on the Calchemise for Men, Vol. 15, Issue 24

Over at Male Pattern Boldness, votes are being taken on what is thought of the new trend from France, the calchemise. Described as "L'extravagance dissumulée" and "vêtement masculin révolutionnaire" by its creators*, the calchemise appears to be a one-piece marriage of a dress shirt and a pair of boxer shorts into a sort of romper or playsuit.

Etiquetteer doubts this is going to take off as a fashion trend in the United States, at least not without a Perfectly Proper pair of trousers on top. The idea of a one-piece playsuit somehow doesn't seem very mature for someone old enough to vote. It does, of course, keep one's shirttail from blossoming over one's trousers and becoming untucked, and that is Very Good and Perfectly Proper. The calchemise does not, however, include a back flap the way a pair of long johns does, as Male Pattern Boldness found out when trying to make a calchemise, and that is Most Inconvenient.

This may come as a shock to you, but Etiquetteer doesn't much care what ladies and gentlemen wear (or don't wear) under their clothes as long as attention isn't brought to the presence (or absence) of those garments. Actually, Etiquetteer was reminded of the late Edward Tanner, better remembered by his pen name Patrick Dennis, who famously wore no underwear at all. He much preferred his own specially-designed and tailored shirts with extra-long tails that he could pull between his legs and fasten in front. In Tanner's biography by Eric Myers, Uncle Mame, a photo of Tanner wearing this novel garment without pants is reproduced in the photo section; Etiquetteer (perhaps fortunately) can't seem to find that photograph on the internet.

What Etiquetteer did find on the internet was the Arrow Shirt Suit, "an ideal garment for athletes, travelers, workers" that differs from the calchemise in having a waistband and button flaps up the sides of each leg. So the idea of the calchemise is not exactly new, although it doesn't seem as though the Arrow Shirt Suit really took off either. Etiquetteer had never heard of it. Had you ever heard of it before reading this column?

The one place Etiquetteer could see the calchemise taking off is at summertime costume parties, preferably at the beach. Don't forget your sunblock. But for daily wear, Etiquetteer is not yet convinced American men will adapt to it.

*Their website is written entirely in French and there appears to be no English translation button. Application of Google Translate offered up some sort of technical glitch Etiquetteer will not pretend to understand.

More on the Easter Parade, Vol. 15, Issue 21

Etiquetteer had such a good time at the Easter Parade in New York last Sunday that it's worth a few more observations about the costumes and fashion statements made.

First off, Easter really is a holiday for which black is not Perfectly Proper. Funereal colors are no way to greet the Risen Lord. So Etiquetteer was pleased to see a few Perfectly Proper pink spring coats, although one was being attacked by an Easter basket.

Notice the distinctive veil made of pink ball chains.

Notice the distinctive veil made of pink ball chains.

Political commentary is best avoided in Best Society, of course, but (here Etiquetteer deprecatingly touches his throat) on the public street one must be ready for anything. Several participants celebrated their Freedom of Speech.

The Trump Puppet, who famously said "And the stone was rolled away. I'm going to use it in my wall."

The Trump Puppet, who famously said "And the stone was rolled away. I'm going to use it in my wall."

Then there are some wonderful examples of what Etiquetteer would call Classic Simplicity, to which all of us should aspire in daily life, not just at Easter.

Etiquetteer used this photo in Monday's column on the Easter Parade, but it's such a good example of Classic Simplicity that it was necessary to use it again.

Etiquetteer used this photo in Monday's column on the Easter Parade, but it's such a good example of Classic Simplicity that it was necessary to use it again.

Etiquetteer also observed those who had not forgotten the Reason for the Season.

Most prominent, of course, would be His Eminence the Cardinal, briefly greeting the assembly after Mass at Saint Patrick's.

Most prominent, of course, would be His Eminence the Cardinal, briefly greeting the assembly after Mass at Saint Patrick's.

Quite a few gentlemen presented themselves very well.

Etiquetteer will conclude this joyous review of the Easter Parade with a bold cloche hat. It's as though Louise Brooks had been brought back as an Easter egg, and Etiquetteer just loved it.

In Praise of Church Musicians, Vol. 15, Issue 19

Holy Week engulfs most of the Christian world this week, and Etiquetteer would "let us drown an eye, unus'd to flow, for church musicians struggling in the fray." It's no small feat to assemble distinct musical programs for who knows how many services during the week, balancing the needs for liturgical correctness, tradition (congregational, local, and musical), ease of use for volunteer choristers and musicians, pastoral preference, and the condition of the organ. Once the last Alleluia is sung on Easter Sunday, you will contribute to the greater Good Feeling in the world by taking the time to express your gratitude, whether verbally, in writing, or with baked goods.

Church musicians accept a large responsibility in creating a Meaningful Worship Experience, which should not be confused with Entertainment. Etiquetteer doesn't object to leaving a worship service Feeling Good About Oneself, but that outcome should be secondary to a Firmer Resolve to Behave Better. Etiquetteer would remind worshipers - daily, weekly, rare, and annual alike - that musical offerings as part of a church service are offered for the greater Glory of God and not exclusively for enjoyment. If you harbor any dissatisfaction with the program, Etiquetteer would prefer that you direct it to the Almighty Conductor in Whose praise it was offered.

Bodily Functions, Vol. 15, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer:

On the fly I ended up having dinner with a couple friends. We were having a good time together and they came back home with me to Netflix and chill. Unfortunately, I began to notice I was feeling a little gassy and upset-stomachy. This led me to make two trips to my only bathroom pretty close together. This was kind of embarrassing to me, since I was the host, also because one of my guests asked if I was OK and I really didn't want to talk about it. How could I have handled feeling unwell as a host?

Dear Unwell:

Etiquetteer applauds your solicitude for your guests, as well as their concern for your well being - although repeated inquiries should have been discouraged. You only needed to excuse yourself with an "Excuse me for a moment." Since this was such a casual occasion, you could have added "Help yourself at the bar/in the kitchen" or "Mi casa es su casa." On return, the problem could be downplayed for guests using neutral words: "Thanks, I just had a bit of indigestion. I'm feeling fine now." (Incidentally, Etiquetteer has to wonder if "nervous indigestion" didn't used to be a euphemism for flatulence.)

But there's no disguising a serious medical issue, and if a host requires medical attention, don't let embarrassment prevent prompt attention. Etiquetteer does remember one embarrassing occasion when, as a host preparing for two guests for cocktails, Etiquetteer broke a martini glass and punctured the palm of his hand with the stem. On arrival, the guests basically took charge and Etiquetteer was whisked off to the emergency room. So much for an Elegant Evening of cold cocktails and hot gossip! But Etiquetteer has always remained grateful for the solicitude and genuine concern of those guests.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I met a friend at a local coffee shop to catch up. Before we could get settled, I excused myself to go to the restroom. They'd run out of paper towels, so I left the restroom with damp hands, which really didn't bother me. When I came out, my friend had run into a friend of his who he wanted to introduce me to. I ended up shaking hands with a damp hand after obviously leaving the restroom. I kept wondering what this guy thought I had on my hands! Should I have avoided shaking hands somehow? What could I have done?

Dear Shaken:

Well, by that time it's far too late to alert the barista that they're out of paper towels in the restroom . . .

In what sounds like a lightning-fast situation, probably the most immediate thing you could have done was to wipe your hands on your pants. (After this experience, Etiquetteer probably thinks you'll consider doing that before leaving the restroom should this occur again, or to start traveling with moist towelettes.)

Etiquetteer has written before about shaking hands and the growing number of people who just refuse to shake hands for sanitary reasons. Situations like this lead Etiquetteer to wondering if we'll ever adopt the Far Eastern custom of bowing, which is both respectful and sanitary.

George Washington's "Rules of Civility," Vol. 15, Issue 14

Tomorrow, February 22, is the birthday of the Father of Our Country. To celebrate, Etiquetteer refreshes some of the maxims he put forward in George Washington's Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. Etiquetteer made many of these points way back in Volume 11.

Etiquetteer Refreshes George Washington's "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior" from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

How to React to an Unwanted Marriage Proposal in Public, Vol. 15, Issue 13

How to React to an Unwanted Marriage Proposal in Public from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

St. Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, the designated day to celebrate True Love, and it’s not unusual for suitors to pop the question. These proposals aren’t always accepted, which is too bad . . . or not. But it’s one thing if the proposal is made in private - in your conservatory or music room, for instance - and another if it’s someplace like a restaurant, and still another if it’s on stage at a rock concert, in a stadium during a game, or in the food court of the mall. The internet is full of marriage proposal fail videos like this one*:

They break Etiquetteer’s heart. The lady is embarrassed and/or angry, and the suitor is humiliated publicly, often before a large audience . . . and for eternity, if it ends up on the Internet.

Etiquetteer would like to offer as a suggestion some language to extricate everyone from this situation. When the proposal is finished, the lady should take the hand of her suitor, look at him lovingly (no matter how angry she might feel) and say:

“My dear, it’s such an honor that you’ve chosen me to give the gift of the rest of your life. It’s so beautiful of you - I’m overwhelmed! But I need something else from you, too. When I say Yes to you, I want to say it only to you. I want that moment to be for us alone, and not share it with all these wonderful people watching now. Will you do that for me?”

Then grab him by the arm and get outta there with a swift, unhurried stride. You can tell him when you’re alone that it won’t work out - also that you don’t like the spotlight - but this way you’ve saved him from looking like a loser in public, and you look like a lady who can take anything in stride.

But Etiquetteer hopes that if you DO get a proposal on St. Valentine’s Day, that it’s the one you want.

And with THAT, allow Etiquetteer to wish you all a Perfectly Proper St. Valentine’s Day!

*A couple of advance viewers have pointed out the heteronormative nature of this column. Etiquetteer chose to slant it that way after a cursory search of the Internet failed to disclose any marriage proposal fails from non-heterosexual couples. Obviously the advice applies to couples of all gender combinations.

smalletiquetteer

When Thanks Are Implied But Not Delivered, Vol. 15, Issue 12

Dear Etiquetteer: I did a favor for someone which involved some effort on my part, but which I did willingly and with no thought of any repayment or gift.  I received an e-mail from this person a few weeks ago saying he wanted to send me something and asking for my home address.  Now, several weeks later, nothing has arrived.  I don't care about the gift (in fact, I'm embarrassed by it), and I don't care if the person has procrastinated (my own failing) or forgotten.  But I'd feel bad if something was lost in the mail.  My inclination is to not say anything, but then the person might be waiting for some thanks from me or comment on the gift (if in fact it was a gift and not just a thank you card).  Should I say anything?

Dear Expectant:

A specific query could inspire Wholesome Feelings of Guilt in your Debtor in Favors, resulting in Glorious Tribute or at least a Lovely Note. But Etiquetteer is inclined, as the old saying goes, to "let sleeping dogs lie." Procrastinators* often continue procrastinating regardless of the clues and hints lobbed at them. While sensitive to your own wish not to appear ungrateful or neglectful, Etiquetteer advises that you continue to interact with this person just a bit more than you usually do, but without mentioning this issue. For instance, if you talk on the phone once a month, you might now talk on the phone every three weeks; if you email once daily, you might email twice daily. This will give your Debtor in Favors more opportunities either to ask you if you received your Glorious Tribute, or foster Wholesome Feelings of Guilt about not having done anything for you yet - which Etiquetteer hopes will result in Action.

smalletiquetteer

*Etiquetteer is constantly Wagging an Admonitory Digit at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much.

Verbal and Written Thanks, and Video Bonus, Vol. 15, Issue 11

This afternoon, while Etiquetteer was taking advantage of the French Toast Alert system to stock up on a few Snowstorm Necessities at the local food co-op, the woman bagging groceries couldn't forbear making a few remarks about the Previous Customer. "You should say thank you when someone's baggin' y'groceries!" she said. "I don't have t'be doin' this. I could just wawk away 'n' say 'Bye!'" As she mimed the action, Etiquetteer had to beg her hastily not to leave, especially since Etiquetteer was going to thank her! We ended up Bonding Over the Issue - or at least appearing to, since Etiquetteer can't really find it Perfectly Proper for an employee to complain about the customers in front of other customers. But the neglect of the Previous Customer did give Etiquetteer pause. We've all heard the phrase "know one's place" before, but never considered another meaning to its original threat of "and don't try to rise above it or sink beneath it." Etiquetteer invites you to consider a more truly patriotic rendering: "Know your place as a citizen of a country where all are created equal." Thanks to those who assist you, even if they are paid to do so, makes a difference. No one should be so grand that they can't express thanks - especially customers of a food co-op well known for its embrace of progressive causes.

Come to think of it, that's a new meaning for "Think globally, act locally," too.

invite

Etiquetteer has also recently been sorting through masses of old papers, and has been Exceedingly Happy rediscovering and rereading Lovely Notes of Thanks from Friends and Family Old and New. Let Etiquetteer tell you, it's a much more delightful experience - reopening envelopes, feeling the texture of paper, and reading handwriting - than scrolling through one's email inbox. That handwritten Lovely Note you send now will continue to delight years later, much more than an email, and certainly more than an instantly-deleted text message.

lorgnette

For today's video content, Etiquetteer shares again some Gentle Suggestions for Teleconferences and Webinars:

etiq15.11 from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

 If you have queries for Etiquetteer, please be sure to send them to queries <at> etiquetteer <dot> com.

smalletiquetteer