Celebrating the Tablecloth, Vol. 15, Issue 25

Today Etiquetteer celebrates* the memory of Eleanor of Aquitaine, known to most of us today only by Katharine Hepburn’s award-winning depiction of her in The Lion in Winter. Queen Eleanor, aside from having had an adventurous life, left an enduring mark on Western Civilization by making the use of the tablecloth at meals a standard of Perfect Propriety.

Alison Weir, in her biography Eleanor of Aquitaine: A Life, wrote "The conservative French . . . could not deny that their new Queen was a civilizing influence upon court manners. It was she who insisted upon the boards being laid with tablecloths and napkins, and who commanded the pages to wash their hands before serving at table."

What kind of tablecloth does Etiquetteer recommend for you? Emily Post used to say “We breakfast and dine on damask, but we lunch on lace.” These days, thanks in part to the less formal entertaining and wider latitude in decorating that began after World War II, almost anything goes. Millicent Fenwick offers wonderful suggestions in her Vogue Book of Etiquette, and the celebrated Dorothy Draper includes some very colorful ideas in her book Entertaining Is Fun!  Linen, lace, damask, cotton, embroidery - whatever you choose, be guided by the style of your dining room and the type of entertaining you do most. Damask does remain the most formal of fabrics, and Etiquetteer would reserve it almost exclusively for formal dinners. But there are wonderful coarse linens, embroidered cottons, and other fabrics worthy of your consideration.

Etiquetteer does draw the line at using bedsheets, no matter how brand-new, for tablecloths. Yes, Etiquetteer understands that it’s more convenient, etc., and really does not care about these objections. If you can’t find something the right size for your table, pick out some lovely yard goods and either hem them yourself or get your neighborhood seamstress to do it.**

Apparently there is no prohibition against using placemats on top of tablecloths, although Etiquetteer would strongly recommend against it for a formal dinner. It does rather demonstrate a lack of faith in the table manners of one's guests, although Etiquetteer does know that mistakes happen. Be sure the placemats you use complement your tablecloth.

Sometimes there's a question about what to do when a fresh stain is made on a tablecloth. On such occasions Etiquetteer turns gratefully to Igor in Young Frankenstein, who famously said "Say nothing. Act casual." If it's a drop or two of red wine, pour a little salt on it. Later on, red wine stains can be effectively removed by stretching the stained portion over a bucket, adding a bit more salt, and pouring boiling water onto the stain from a height.

So the next time you spread out your best tablecloth, or your favorite tablecloth, or any tablecloth, take the time to raise a glass to Queen Eleanor. Just don't spill anything.

*Why now? While Queen Eleanor's date of birth has been lost to History, it's known that she died in the month of April.

**Doesn’t every neighborhood have a seamstress? If they don’t, they should.

Etiquetteer Comments on the Calchemise for Men, Vol. 15, Issue 24

Over at Male Pattern Boldness, votes are being taken on what is thought of the new trend from France, the calchemise. Described as "L'extravagance dissumulée" and "vêtement masculin révolutionnaire" by its creators*, the calchemise appears to be a one-piece marriage of a dress shirt and a pair of boxer shorts into a sort of romper or playsuit.

Etiquetteer doubts this is going to take off as a fashion trend in the United States, at least not without a Perfectly Proper pair of trousers on top. The idea of a one-piece playsuit somehow doesn't seem very mature for someone old enough to vote. It does, of course, keep one's shirttail from blossoming over one's trousers and becoming untucked, and that is Very Good and Perfectly Proper. The calchemise does not, however, include a back flap the way a pair of long johns does, as Male Pattern Boldness found out when trying to make a calchemise, and that is Most Inconvenient.

This may come as a shock to you, but Etiquetteer doesn't much care what ladies and gentlemen wear (or don't wear) under their clothes as long as attention isn't brought to the presence (or absence) of those garments. Actually, Etiquetteer was reminded of the late Edward Tanner, better remembered by his pen name Patrick Dennis, who famously wore no underwear at all. He much preferred his own specially-designed and tailored shirts with extra-long tails that he could pull between his legs and fasten in front. In Tanner's biography by Eric Myers, Uncle Mame, a photo of Tanner wearing this novel garment without pants is reproduced in the photo section; Etiquetteer (perhaps fortunately) can't seem to find that photograph on the internet.

What Etiquetteer did find on the internet was the Arrow Shirt Suit, "an ideal garment for athletes, travelers, workers" that differs from the calchemise in having a waistband and button flaps up the sides of each leg. So the idea of the calchemise is not exactly new, although it doesn't seem as though the Arrow Shirt Suit really took off either. Etiquetteer had never heard of it. Had you ever heard of it before reading this column?

The one place Etiquetteer could see the calchemise taking off is at summertime costume parties, preferably at the beach. Don't forget your sunblock. But for daily wear, Etiquetteer is not yet convinced American men will adapt to it.

*Their website is written entirely in French and there appears to be no English translation button. Application of Google Translate offered up some sort of technical glitch Etiquetteer will not pretend to understand.

Applauding the National Anthem, Vol. 15, Issue 23

Dear Etiquetteer:

Having grown up in a military family I learned the proper way to show respect to our flag at a young age. Along with that came the understanding that one should not applaud after the performance of our National Anthem. And yet every time I attend a public event like a sporting competition the audience applauds at the end. Am I remembering this social convention
incorrectly?

Dear Patriotic But Perplexed:

You remember the social convention correctly, but alas, Custom has overtaken Convention in the last 40 years or so. One does not with Perfect Propriety applaud an act of patriotism; the performance of the act is its own reward. But as you observe, at every sporting event now for decades, the singing of the national anthem concludes with the applause of the assembly. And even though it's incorrect, it isn't going to change. This leaves Perfectly Proper sports fans with three options: stand there looking virtuous (and, one hopes, not too much like a spoilsport), dwelling on all that incorrect applause; sacrifice your standards and training and applaud along with your fellow citizens, even though you know it's not Perfectly Proper; or spend more time than usual putting your hat back on (if you're a gentleman; a lady does not remove her hat for the national anthem, unless it's a baseball cap).

Etiquetteer enjoins you from admonishing those nearby not to applaud. The Perfectly Proper have lost this round, and nothing you say will change it.

Etiquetteer can't claim to have studied this phenomenon, but perhaps applause after the national anthem is related to - how shall Etiquetteer say this? - the increase in Vocal Histrionics now almost required to perform the national anthem in stadiums. So often Etiquetteer is tempted to holler "Just sing the song!" But that, too, simply would not be Perfectly Proper.

She Didn't Know What Black Tie Meant, Vol. 15, Issue 22

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was recently invited to a wedding of two southern families. What really struck me, among many oddities, was that the bride's parents sent out the invitations (unbeknownst to the groom and his parents) with "Black Tie Required' on the bottom. The Black Tie request left many guests on the groom's side upset, not owning gowns or tuxes, and therefore many declined the reception invitation, not having anything suitable to wear. When the bride was confronted, she said that she wanted a formal wedding, and admitted she didn't understand what Black Tie necessitated. Should something be said? Should supplementary cards be sent in clarification? Should the bride call all 300 guests and explain?

Dear Fit to Be Black-Tied:

When you have no idea what you’re doing, you deserve what you get, but those unto whom it is done don’t. Really, if Etiquetteer was the groom, Etiquetteer would be rethinking the consequences of marrying someone who wants something formal but has no idea how to achieve it. This is what comes from getting above your station and not knowing your place. It also, at last, shows the limits of Obedience to the Bride Omnipotent. It would be uncharitable to suggest that this was Machiavellian plot on behalf of the Mother of the Bride to cut down on the reception bills.

Two opportunities exist here, one for the bride’s family and one for the groom’s. The bride’s family should immediately communicate with everyone on the guest list to say that they meant “Black Tie Optional.” This is not Etiquetteer’s favorite dress code, but it’s Perfectly Suitable for this crisis. The bride still gets the formal wedding she thinks she wants but doesn’t understand, and everyone in the groom’s family can still wear their dark suits and knee-length dresses and feel correct. As fond as Etiquetteer is of written communications, in the 21st century, this is a job for email and the ubiquitious wedding website.

The groom’s family can reassert the perogative by claiming the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding as an event they are hosting - and to which they can send out invitations without also checking with the bride’s family. Etiquetteer rather hopes they host a hoe-down or a squaredance or something at which everyone should wear denim and drink beer out of the bottle (even though that is most certainly not Perfectly Proper).

You can bet everyone will be watching this bride for further slip-ups, even after the wedding, so Etiquetteer hopes the bride writes each and every Lovely Note of Thanks on the day she receives each gift. She’s going to be paying for this error for quite awhile.

The moral of the story is, knowing what you want isn’t enough. You have to understand it, too. And also, that when planning a wedding, consideration of the guests should come first.

More on the Easter Parade, Vol. 15, Issue 21

Etiquetteer had such a good time at the Easter Parade in New York last Sunday that it's worth a few more observations about the costumes and fashion statements made.

First off, Easter really is a holiday for which black is not Perfectly Proper. Funereal colors are no way to greet the Risen Lord. So Etiquetteer was pleased to see a few Perfectly Proper pink spring coats, although one was being attacked by an Easter basket.

Notice the distinctive veil made of pink ball chains.

Political commentary is best avoided in Best Society, of course, but (here Etiquetteer deprecatingly touches his throat) on the public street one must be ready for anything. Several participants celebrated their Freedom of Speech.

The Trump Puppet, who famously said "And the stone was rolled away. I'm going to use it in my wall."

Then there are some wonderful examples of what Etiquetteer would call Classic Simplicity, to which all of us should aspire in daily life, not just at Easter.

Etiquetteer used this photo in Monday's column on the Easter Parade, but it's such a good example of Classic Simplicity that it was necessary to use it again.

Etiquetteer also observed those who had not forgotten the Reason for the Season.

Most prominent, of course, would be His Eminence the Cardinal, briefly greeting the assembly after Mass at Saint Patrick's.

Quite a few gentlemen presented themselves very well.

Etiquetteer will conclude this joyous review of the Easter Parade with a bold cloche hat. It's as though Louise Brooks had been brought back as an Easter egg, and Etiquetteer just loved it.

Etiquetteer Goes to the Easter Parade, Vol. 15, Issue 20

Every time in the last week or so that Etiquetteer has mentioned attending the Easter Parade on Fifth Avenue in New York, people have asked "Do they really do that?" The true answer is "Yes, but not quite." No traditional parade with floats and marching bands takes place, but then the word "parade" is rather misleading. The original Easter Parade was more a promenade of the New York bon ton in their best clothes for Easter rather than what we think of as a parade.

The Easter Parade today has less to do with a promenading, at least not in an organized, graceful kind of way. It's really more of a block party with no announced dress code or refreshments (well, BYO, Etiquetteer supposes), but the general theme of "Easter" and a predisposition to elaborate headgear based on the lyric "In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it." The Easter Hat Thing has been going on longer than Etiquetteer thought, as The New York Times reports someplace in the 1870s as a start of the custom, and a reporter remarking in 1887 "the bonnets shall not be resurrections, but creations never before seen."

This leads to four categories of dress:

Costumes: Full-on couldn't-be-mistaken-for-street-clothes costumes. Themes Other Than Easter took their place in this category, too.

High Style: Inspired most especially by the fashions of the 1940s and early 1950s, these ladies and gentlemen could walk into church or the Plaza and not look out of place. (And really, more people should be walking into just about anyplace dressed like this.)

Of course the Idiosyncratic Fashionistas have always had their own take on High Style.

The gentleman at right exhibited the best example Etiquetteer saw of a gentleman's Most Formal Daytime Clothes: a gray cutaway.

"Deft and Tasteful Suggestions," to borrow a phrase from the late Ignatius J. Reilly: The use of one, or perhaps at most three, accessories to express a theme. Anyone wearing an overdecorated hat or a a pair of bunny ears with everyday street clothes falls into this category.

Spring Colors: The use of good color without costume elements.

Non-Participants: An absence of Easter flair.

As at any public gathering, there are Problems of Perfect Propriety to dodge. First off, there's no use going if you don't want to be photographed. Almost everyone there was taking photos, and if they weren't, it's because they were too busy being photographed themselves. "And you'll find yourself in the rotogravure" indeed! Be gracious when people ask to take your photograph, and be gracious even when they don't ask. It is most Perfectly Proper ask, though, so be sure you do before snapping away. This often leads to wonderful conversations.

When people ask to take photos with you, acquiesce gracefully.

When people ask to take photos with you, acquiesce gracefully.

Pay compliments! People have clearly gone to some trouble to present themselves at the acme of their desire (whether that be high style, Easter excess, political humor, or classic simplicity), and they'll appreciate your unqualified good feedback.

One of the biggest challenges is photobombing. Accidental photobombing, that is. So many are so very focused on getting that perfect photo that they're unaware of their bodies blocking someone else from getting that perfect photo of something else.

Etiquette is situational awareness. Be aware of where you are and who's around you. Of course, too much of this and you could be paralyzed in the midst of the swirl. Know when you need to get through, and see if you can do so without actually dislodging anyone else. Jostling isunavoidable, but Etiquetteer can report being seriously bumped only once.

So how, you might be asking, did Etiquetteer add some Easter flair to a Perfectly Proper ensemble for the Easter Parade? The application of a beaded boutonniere did the trick:

If you'd like to promenade at the Easter Parade, Etiquetteer encourages you to do so. It's a tremendous amount of fun seeing the variations and themes developed that, at the root, come from the Perfect Propriety of what used to be called "Sunday best." Enjoy!

In Praise of Church Musicians, Vol. 15, Issue 19

Holy Week engulfs most of the Christian world this week, and Etiquetteer would "let us drown an eye, unus'd to flow, for church musicians struggling in the fray." It's no small feat to assemble distinct musical programs for who knows how many services during the week, balancing the needs for liturgical correctness, tradition (congregational, local, and musical), ease of use for volunteer choristers and musicians, pastoral preference, and the condition of the organ. Once the last Alleluia is sung on Easter Sunday, you will contribute to the greater Good Feeling in the world by taking the time to express your gratitude, whether verbally, in writing, or with baked goods.

Church musicians accept a large responsibility in creating a Meaningful Worship Experience, which should not be confused with Entertainment. Etiquetteer doesn't object to leaving a worship service Feeling Good About Oneself, but that outcome should be secondary to a Firmer Resolve to Behave Better. Etiquetteer would remind worshipers - daily, weekly, rare, and annual alike - that musical offerings as part of a church service are offered for the greater Glory of God and not exclusively for enjoyment. If you harbor any dissatisfaction with the program, Etiquetteer would prefer that you direct it to the Almighty Conductor in Whose praise it was offered.

Raising a Controversial Point of View, Vol. 15, Issue 18

Dear Etiquetteer:

While I personally like babies and children and have very strong beliefs they should be loved and cared for, I have long been concerned re: global overpopulation of the human species and I am rarely thrilled when someone procreates. I remember the 1970s and the "Population Bomb.” At that time it was acceptable for people to have these discussions, and it was more socially acceptable for people to openly choose not to have children for themselves and the planet. I can never understand why one doesn't choose to adopt or choose not to have a child at all.

Is there a polite way for me to express my disapprobation, or at the very least to convey my belief we should be working to make fewer people, rather than more?

Dear Disapprobating:

Etiquetteer has thought carefully about how one might raise this issue with new or expectant parents, and has come to the conclusion that any suggestion they shouldn't be having their child would not be received well. Perhaps they could misinterpret it to think that you were suggesting they should end the pregnancy, which Etiquetteer feels sure you don't mean. Etiquetteer is curious to know what reaction you might expect. To use a baker's euphemism, there's no use arguing about the recipe once the bun's in the oven.

At the very least, since you appear knowledgeable about world population issues, you might in a general way share current data or news items. (Certainly things are getting interesting in China since they lifted the One Child Only limit.)

But be careful. One of those expectant parents could take offense and suggest that you yourself assist the problem of overpopulation by eliminating yourself from the population, which Etiquetteer would not like to see.

When You Don't Remember If You Mailed That Lovely Note, Vol. 15, Issue 16

Etiquetteer gets letters, and today's concerns the absentminded delivery (or not) of a Lovely Note:
 

When You Don't Remember If You Mailed That Lovely Note, Vol. 15, Issue 16 from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

Bodily Functions, Vol. 15, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer:

On the fly I ended up having dinner with a couple friends. We were having a good time together and they came back home with me to Netflix and chill. Unfortunately, I began to notice I was feeling a little gassy and upset-stomachy. This led me to make two trips to my only bathroom pretty close together. This was kind of embarrassing to me, since I was the host, also because one of my guests asked if I was OK and I really didn't want to talk about it. How could I have handled feeling unwell as a host?

Dear Unwell:

Etiquetteer applauds your solicitude for your guests, as well as their concern for your well being - although repeated inquiries should have been discouraged. You only needed to excuse yourself with an "Excuse me for a moment." Since this was such a casual occasion, you could have added "Help yourself at the bar/in the kitchen" or "Mi casa es su casa." On return, the problem could be downplayed for guests using neutral words: "Thanks, I just had a bit of indigestion. I'm feeling fine now." (Incidentally, Etiquetteer has to wonder if "nervous indigestion" didn't used to be a euphemism for flatulence.)

But there's no disguising a serious medical issue, and if a host requires medical attention, don't let embarrassment prevent prompt attention. Etiquetteer does remember one embarrassing occasion when, as a host preparing for two guests for cocktails, Etiquetteer broke a martini glass and punctured the palm of his hand with the stem. On arrival, the guests basically took charge and Etiquetteer was whisked off to the emergency room. So much for an Elegant Evening of cold cocktails and hot gossip! But Etiquetteer has always remained grateful for the solicitude and genuine concern of those guests.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I met a friend at a local coffee shop to catch up. Before we could get settled, I excused myself to go to the restroom. They'd run out of paper towels, so I left the restroom with damp hands, which really didn't bother me. When I came out, my friend had run into a friend of his who he wanted to introduce me to. I ended up shaking hands with a damp hand after obviously leaving the restroom. I kept wondering what this guy thought I had on my hands! Should I have avoided shaking hands somehow? What could I have done?

Dear Shaken:

Well, by that time it's far too late to alert the barista that they're out of paper towels in the restroom . . .

In what sounds like a lightning-fast situation, probably the most immediate thing you could have done was to wipe your hands on your pants. (After this experience, Etiquetteer probably thinks you'll consider doing that before leaving the restroom should this occur again, or to start traveling with moist towelettes.)

Etiquetteer has written before about shaking hands and the growing number of people who just refuse to shake hands for sanitary reasons. Situations like this lead Etiquetteer to wondering if we'll ever adopt the Far Eastern custom of bowing, which is both respectful and sanitary.

George Washington's "Rules of Civility," Vol. 15, Issue 14

Tomorrow, February 22, is the birthday of the Father of Our Country. To celebrate, Etiquetteer refreshes some of the maxims he put forward in George Washington's Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. Etiquetteer made many of these points way back in Volume 11.

Etiquetteer Refreshes George Washington's "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior" from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

How to React to an Unwanted Marriage Proposal in Public, Vol. 15, Issue 13

How to React to an Unwanted Marriage Proposal in Public from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

St. Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, the designated day to celebrate True Love, and it’s not unusual for suitors to pop the question. These proposals aren’t always accepted, which is too bad . . . or not. But it’s one thing if the proposal is made in private - in your conservatory or music room, for instance - and another if it’s someplace like a restaurant, and still another if it’s on stage at a rock concert, in a stadium during a game, or in the food court of the mall. The internet is full of marriage proposal fail videos like this one*:

They break Etiquetteer’s heart. The lady is embarrassed and/or angry, and the suitor is humiliated publicly, often before a large audience . . . and for eternity, if it ends up on the Internet.

Etiquetteer would like to offer as a suggestion some language to extricate everyone from this situation. When the proposal is finished, the lady should take the hand of her suitor, look at him lovingly (no matter how angry she might feel) and say:

“My dear, it’s such an honor that you’ve chosen me to give the gift of the rest of your life. It’s so beautiful of you - I’m overwhelmed! But I need something else from you, too. When I say Yes to you, I want to say it only to you. I want that moment to be for us alone, and not share it with all these wonderful people watching now. Will you do that for me?”

Then grab him by the arm and get outta there with a swift, unhurried stride. You can tell him when you’re alone that it won’t work out - also that you don’t like the spotlight - but this way you’ve saved him from looking like a loser in public, and you look like a lady who can take anything in stride.

But Etiquetteer hopes that if you DO get a proposal on St. Valentine’s Day, that it’s the one you want.

And with THAT, allow Etiquetteer to wish you all a Perfectly Proper St. Valentine’s Day!

*A couple of advance viewers have pointed out the heteronormative nature of this column. Etiquetteer chose to slant it that way after a cursory search of the Internet failed to disclose any marriage proposal fails from non-heterosexual couples. Obviously the advice applies to couples of all gender combinations.

When Thanks Are Implied But Not Delivered, Vol. 15, Issue 12

Dear Etiquetteer: I did a favor for someone which involved some effort on my part, but which I did willingly and with no thought of any repayment or gift.  I received an e-mail from this person a few weeks ago saying he wanted to send me something and asking for my home address.  Now, several weeks later, nothing has arrived.  I don't care about the gift (in fact, I'm embarrassed by it), and I don't care if the person has procrastinated (my own failing) or forgotten.  But I'd feel bad if something was lost in the mail.  My inclination is to not say anything, but then the person might be waiting for some thanks from me or comment on the gift (if in fact it was a gift and not just a thank you card).  Should I say anything?

Dear Expectant:

A specific query could inspire Wholesome Feelings of Guilt in your Debtor in Favors, resulting in Glorious Tribute or at least a Lovely Note. But Etiquetteer is inclined, as the old saying goes, to "let sleeping dogs lie." Procrastinators* often continue procrastinating regardless of the clues and hints lobbed at them. While sensitive to your own wish not to appear ungrateful or neglectful, Etiquetteer advises that you continue to interact with this person just a bit more than you usually do, but without mentioning this issue. For instance, if you talk on the phone once a month, you might now talk on the phone every three weeks; if you email once daily, you might email twice daily. This will give your Debtor in Favors more opportunities either to ask you if you received your Glorious Tribute, or foster Wholesome Feelings of Guilt about not having done anything for you yet - which Etiquetteer hopes will result in Action.

*Etiquetteer is constantly Wagging an Admonitory Digit at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much.

Verbal and Written Thanks, and Video Bonus, Vol. 15, Issue 11

This afternoon, while Etiquetteer was taking advantage of the French Toast Alert system to stock up on a few Snowstorm Necessities at the local food co-op, the woman bagging groceries couldn't forbear making a few remarks about the Previous Customer. "You should say thank you when someone's baggin' y'groceries!" she said. "I don't have t'be doin' this. I could just wawk away 'n' say 'Bye!'" As she mimed the action, Etiquetteer had to beg her hastily not to leave, especially since Etiquetteer was going to thank her! We ended up Bonding Over the Issue - or at least appearing to, since Etiquetteer can't really find it Perfectly Proper for an employee to complain about the customers in front of other customers. But the neglect of the Previous Customer did give Etiquetteer pause. We've all heard the phrase "know one's place" before, but never considered another meaning to its original threat of "and don't try to rise above it or sink beneath it." Etiquetteer invites you to consider a more truly patriotic rendering: "Know your place as a citizen of a country where all are created equal." Thanks to those who assist you, even if they are paid to do so, makes a difference. No one should be so grand that they can't express thanks - especially customers of a food co-op well known for its embrace of progressive causes.

Come to think of it, that's a new meaning for "Think globally, act locally," too.

Etiquetteer has also recently been sorting through masses of old papers, and has been Exceedingly Happy rediscovering and rereading Lovely Notes of Thanks from Friends and Family Old and New. Let Etiquetteer tell you, it's a much more delightful experience - reopening envelopes, feeling the texture of paper, and reading handwriting - than scrolling through one's email inbox. That handwritten Lovely Note you send now will continue to delight years later, much more than an email, and certainly more than an instantly-deleted text message.

For today's video content, Etiquetteer shares again some Gentle Suggestions for Teleconferences and Webinars:

etiq15.11 from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

 If you have queries for Etiquetteer, please be sure to send them to queries <at> etiquetteer <dot> com.

Random Issues, Vol. 15, Issue 10

It's been a long time since Etiquetteer did a column on Random Issues, and some readers have, with Delicious Irreverence, provided some interesting queries: Dear Etiquetteer:

Could you please address adopting local customs when traveling. When in New Orleans, how proper is it to return your breakfast diner waitress's greeting of "Hey, baby" in kind?

Dear Baby:

After the second coffee refill seems safest.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How do you handle office mates asking for donations?

Dear Unmoved:

With kid gloves that come nowhere near Etiquetteer's wallet, if you're really asking how to decline colleagues asking for donations. It's always possible to say, with a tone of Infinite Regret, "And it's such a good cause, too, but I have other charitable priorities right now." They don't need to know what that other priority is - indeed, it could be You Yourself - so don't volunteer the information.

Dear Etiquetteer: When the real estate agent arrives to show your house two hours late, and you've already scheduled the rest of your afternoon, what is best to do: order him off the stoop, or bow to his and his client's inability to pace their time properly?

Dear Intruded Upon:

Etiquetteer knows some lovely realtors, and has heard stories about the rest. Long story short, your time is just as valuable as theirs, and if they aren't able to adjust to your schedule, then they need to go back to the drawing board. Gently but firmly explain that visiting hours were determined in advance for a reason, and that no accommodation can be made at the last minute.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How about rainy day etiquette? Where to stash the umbrella, boots, and what-not.

Dear Rained Upon:

Umbrellas and boots go in the places provided for them, which one hopes are close to the entrance where one removes them. It's not always possible to unfurl an umbrella indoors to dry it, so it's especially thoughtful of homeowners to provide one of those marvelous umbrella stands that can hold about a quart of water if necessary.

Victorians always kept their whatnots in the corner, which is really the best place for them.

Dear Etiquetteer:

When one runs over a tourist during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, is it permissible to leave the dried tourist on the car until you can get to a car wash, or should it be washed away at once to prevent damage to the paint of one's car? I realize that this is more of a practical question, rather than an etiquette question, but I have always wondered . . .

Dear Laissez Les Autos Roulez:

It's queries like this that make Etiquetteer glad that New Orleans doesn't have an open carry law. But seriously . . .

Unless you want to be mistaken for a float in the parade representing Cemetery No. One, Etiquetteer advises immediate, respectful removal.

Happy 15th Anniversary, Etiquetteer! Volume 15, Issue 9

January 31 is the official anniversary of etiquetteer.com, so today Etiquetteer is celebrating 15 years of Perfect Propriety with a special innovation, video:

The Start of Etiquetteer from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

Etiquetteer would like to thank each and all of you for being part of this Adventure in Perfect Propriety, and looks forward to more years of advising and pronouncing on same. Indeed, look for more video columns in the future.

Thank you, and happy anniversary to us!

Diplomatic Protocol and Nude Statuary, Vol. 15, Issue 8

And they say "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." The press has been full of stories about the state visits of the President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani, to Italy and France and the cultural differences that need to be cultivated. In Rome, nude statues at the Capitoline Museum were concealed from view by white boxes to prevent the possibility of offense. In France, President Rouhani declined an invitation to a luncheon at the Elysée Palace because wine would be served; alcohol is forbidden in Islam.

The Italian government is certainly taking a drubbing from its own citizens over concealing these Robust Manifestations of Italian Culture. Etiquetteer is more forgiving, knowing that on such diplomatic occasions as state visits, avoiding embarrassment is essential to successfully managing a relationship between Two Distinct Nations. The purpose of a state visit is for one nation to show hospitality to another. This is difficult to do when a custom or tradition of the host nation gives offense, for whatever reason, to the guest nation. While selecting a press conference location with no nude statues to begin with would have been Less Troublesome, Etiquetteer can't fault the Italians for acting with an Excess of Caution. Certainly they had only the best intentions.

But Etiquetteer wishes that President Rouhani had shown more understanding in the case of the French luncheon. While a request for a halal menu was entirely Perfectly Proper, Etiquetteer would have wished for the Iranians to have accommodated consumption of the French National Beverage by those whose belief systems allowed, even though theirs did not. As a precedent, one must consider the state dinner given by President and Mrs. John F. Kennedy on July 11, 1961, for the President of Pakistan, Ayub Khan, and his daughter. While wines were offered with dinner for those who wished them, the menu was prepared without alcohol of any kind.

The fine line between not offering offense to honored guests and maintaining one's own customs and traditions is trod not only between nations, but also between families celebrating a marriage, companies conducting mergers, and home owner associations homogenizing aesthetics. Have you had such experiences? Do you anticipate them now? Etiquetteer would like to hear your queries at queries <at> etiquetteer.com.

Hugging, Vol. 15, Issue 7

Dear Etiquetteer: I just read your piece on the etiquette of shaking hands. It's an issue for not only shaking hands, but hugging. I am a "hugger" and receive great satisfaction from a hug from friends and relatives, but I wonder about your thoughts on the subject. Some people are put off by it and others feel quite natural with it. What do you think?

Dear Hugging:

Etiquetteer has to agree with you: some people are put off by hugging, and others, ahem, embrace it. Successful Huggers have the knack of knowing their Intended Targets - uh, Recipients - well enough to know if a hug will be received in the spirit intended. If you're approaching from six feet or more away with arms outstretched and your Intended Recipient doesn't look quite as eager, you may need to curb your enthusiasm. Making eye contact before a hug will also help you gauge how to continue. A hug in greeting is more a brief clinch. It isn't a "With my body I thee worship" Expression of Affection, with Full Body Contact from neck to knees, which could go on long enough to Excite Comment . . . and possibly much else that is Not Perfectly Proper in a Social Setting.

Huggers also need to be aware of their own hygiene so that hugging doesn't linger unpleasantly. Etiquetteer wrote once about the aftereffects of a sweaty hug. Social Kissing can be just as fraught with peril, too; Etiquetteer's also provided guidance on that topic.

Etiquetteer wishes you Happy Hugging with Equally Enthusiastic Family, Friends, and Acquaintances!

Next week Etiquetteer will celebrate 15 years of writing about Perfect Propriety. What issues would you, Dear Readers, like to see Etiquetteer cover in the next 15 years? What do you consider the most challenging issues of Perfect Propriety? Etiquetteer is waiting to hear from you at queries <at> etiquetteer.com.

Shaking Hands, Vol. 15, Issue 6

Dear Etiquetteer: Does Perfect Propriety require one to remove one's glove when shaking hands with another? It is my practice, but it seems inconsistent among the public at large. Also, is gender a consideration here?

Dear Shaking:

In the play Divine Sister, the Mother Superior reportedly said "We must never forget that we are on the brink of a period of great social change - and we must do everything in our power to stop it." Public health is playing a role in how people shake hands - or don't - and Etiquetteer is still trying to consider the most Perfectly Proper Compromise.

Traditionally, a gentleman removes his glove to shake hands, but a lady does not. A lady also has the privilege of not shaking hands if she doesn't choose to. Why? Etiquetteer suspects this comes from the long-standing belief that a gentleman doesn't force his attentions on a lady. So a gentleman doesn't offer his hand to a lady first; she offers hers, or doesn't.

The Book of Good Manners: A Guide to Polite Usage for All Social Functions, by Walter Cox Green (1922), elaborates a bit on ladies and gentlemen shaking hands with gloves: "A man with hands gloved should never shake hands with a woman without an apology for so doing, unless she likewise wears gloves. A sudden meeting, etc., may make a hand-shaking in gloves unavoidable. Unless the other party is also gloved, a man should say 'Please excuse my glove.'" No wonder people gave up on gloves - which is very sad indeed.

By 1953, however, Esquire Etiquette: A Guide to Business, Sports, and Social Conduct, by the "Editors of Esquire Magazine," advised that "Excuse my glove" had become old-fashioned. "That one belongs with 'After you, Alphonse,' and there is no comfortable response to it." [Emphasis Etiquetteer's.] Etiquetteer asks now, can't we just have our manners and use them without calling attention to them while in action? Besides the fact that there are more interesting things to talk about, there is always the likelihood that someone will then be made uncomfortable by suspecting that they are behaving incorrectly.

In this century, there seems to be no "comfortable response" to the phrase "I don't shake hands." Universally accepted as a greeting of acceptance and friendliness for centuries, the relatively recent incursion from Those Who Fear Germs still leaves a lingering Aura of Rejection. Once, not accepting a hand offered by one man to another would give offense*, or at least give the impression that one's further acquaintance was not sought. When meeting strangers for the first time, it leaves an unwelcoming impression.

Etiquetteer has to wonder if the time has come for Westerners to adopt the Far Eastern custom of bowing instead of shaking hands to accommodate (Etiquetteer does not say appease) Those Who Fear Germs. Bowing is quite dignified, does not need to appear subservient, shows respect to the other party, and does not require either to touch at any point. Indeed, not long ago Etiquetteer was obliged to dine out with a group of close friends while very clearly in the early stages of a Head Cold. Fearing undue exposure of others, Etiquetteer did what was possible to limit physical contact by bowing over a martini . . .

Debate over this issue - how to show respect and not give offense while also maintaining one's microbial integrity - will surely continue, just as scientific research does about what, exactly, we communicate when shaking hands.

*Sometimes, of course, offense is exactly what someone wants to convey by refusing to shake hands. Etiquetteer could show you some scars from such encounters . . .

In Which Etiquetteer Splits His Pants, Vol. 15, Issue 5

The true test of etiquette is how well one reacts to the unexpected. When Life throws a curve ball, one must think both of the motto of the Boy Scouts, "Be prepared," and the words of Etiquetteer's beloved Congressional wife, Ellen Maury Slayden: "This is a test of breeding; keep cool." The other day Etiquetteer boarded the train home and took a vacant seat. First Etiquetteer heard a soft sound, rather difficult to describe, and then felt the train seat become a shade more comfortable. It was then that Etiquetteer came to the awful realization that that soft sound was really Etiquetteer's khakis giving way where they would create the most comic disadvantage: the seat.

The horror of the situation gave way to a rapid succession of thoughts: first, that Etiquetteer's stop on the train was not for some time, providing an opportunity for quiet contemplation of a solution; then, that Etiquetteer's short winter jacket would not conceal the damage done; gratitude for the daily habit of clean undergarments; and last, vain regret at not having begun a Post-Holiday Diet Regime.

Etiquetteer did at least Keep Calm and a Stiff Upper Lip, which helped provide enough clarity to, at last, identify a solution. Happily, Etiquetteer had some shopping in a paper shopping bag with some handles and, by holding it with both hands at the small of the back, could walk forward briskly and still conceal the Inappropriate Ventilation. While not unknown, that's still a Rare Posture, and Etiquetteer hoped to get home without exciting Unwelcome Attention. And nearly did, except for practically being tailed by a trolley of tourists for half a block, and the presence of neighbors in the foyer. But at least no one saw Anything They Oughtn't.

While the movies aren't a reliable source of etiquette advice, Etiquetteer must conclude this instructive story with the words of Igor in Young Frankenstein. When trouble comes, "Say nothing. Act casual."